Burn now, lest ye be burned

Now today was a long fucking day. I enjoy cross examination as much as the next person, but only when I'm doing well at it. When I get laughed at by the instructor, class, and court reporters for a couple of ill-conceived questions, that's another thing entirely. I think my death scowl did enough to convey my hatred for the people I normally choose not to call fucking idiots (to their faces). However, it would have been far better had I earlier quoted South Park to one of the people laughing at me when he thought he could coerce a Matlock-style confession out of a witness and explained his failure as "trying to help":

"Well help yourself to a fucking legal book because you're talking like a fucking retard!"

THEN, my burn on the others would have been in advance and I just would have felt like an asshole when people laughed at my question, rather than a stupid asshole.

So if I learned anything today it's this: If someone says something stupid, immediately question their worth as a human being, because if you don't, someone else will do it to you.

The Girl Next Door

There's something hot about watching a woman fold laundry. To give this comment some context, I'm sitting at my desk, reading transcripts (which I've been doing for the last two hours). The previously discussed hot girl next door is folding her laundry. For those that don't know, my desk faces my windows, which look directly at the windows next door. It's an issue of design, it's not like I intend to "spy" on this girl. The disclaimer against being creepy out of the way, here it goes.

Like the Tyrannasaurus Rex, my eyesight functions primarily by movement, and there she is distracting my work. I can't quite put my thumb on why folding laundry is hot, but my hypothesis is that it has to do with all of the bending one needs to do to retrieve, fold, and put away. Another thought is that she had to take all of those clothes off at one time in order to place them in the laundry. But if the mysterious attraction isn't enough, it's amplified by the fact that she's DRINKING A BEER while doing this. Now, I'm a fan of drinking during mundane activity...hell, I'm drinking right now. However, hot girls drinking beer in everyday situations (especially cheap beer) is something one rarely sees, and I think I'm drawn to the little things I can identify with: like PBR.

So here it is, genius idea of the year #476: Shoot a music video featuring a hot woman drinking a beer, and folding laundry through a window. The song doesn't have to be good, it doesn't have to have anything to do with the video, but I guarantee you that the four people who still watch TRL will see it in the number one video spot within weeks. However, combine it with a band like Five for Fighting, and the video will be a stellar classic. (By the way, NASCAR Poker was idea # 322).

Crooked Motherfuckers

I guess in some sense I should have known what I was getting into. Afterall, I made an agreement with the University of Wisconsin. Upon signing on for the Public Defender Project, I was told that I would be making around four grand for the summer along with three credits paid by the university. Somewhere along the way, the system broke down.

Apparently, I now have to pay for the three credits...all at a mere cost of $1500. Also, the University and SPD are facing "budget cutbacks" at the last minute. According to my calculations, the best case scenario would have me making minimum wage, EXACTLY, all summer long. What really pisses me off is that the University of Wisconsin is getting all of this money for NOTHING. There is no supervision, no real work going into the money. Nope, just me getting anally probed once again by the assholes on Bascom Hill.

So what are the consequences? After rent, utility bills, health insurance and some basic expenses around home, I will have exactly zero dollars. Since gas is so expensive, i am now effectively grounded in Hudson all summer long. No trips to Madison, and certainly no beer. The UW has reached a new level of power and control over my misery, since they have now effectively transformed me into a sixteen year old again. Fucking whorebags.

Marissa in a coma?

I was surfing the internet, and happened to come across several sites on the O.C. It appears that there is an online petition circling to have the O.C. producers "put Marissa in a coma" instead of following through with the obvious death scene. I love the O.C., and Marissa is as big a part of my life as real people, but that plotline is stupid for the following reasons.

1. It's gay.
2. It crosses the line from simply implausible to just plain stupid.
3. It casts the O.C. in the same situation as a soap opera, rather than the serious and realistic drama that it is.

Notice the Dieseleque explosion in the background.

This reminds me of another show that I picked up and watched to exhaustion after it was off the air...Magnum P.I. In the middle of the 6th season of Magnum, Thomas Magnum was killed off, which was supposed to be the end of the show. The show was supposed to end after that season. But alas, the viewers were so outraged that they forced a successful petition to continue the show for another season. So what was the solution the producers of Magnum, P.I. came up with to his obviously dead body, the funeral episode, and the eventful second half of the sixth season? Magnum was in a coma and EVERYBODY dreamed the events of the second half. Needless to say, I couldn't take the seventh season seriously, I was so thrown.

Assuming that Mischa Barton doesn't have a fantastic movie career outside of the O.C., there is the danger that she'll return in a couple of years. Stupid. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Characters that aren't dead can return, but coma girls are crossing the line. If that's the case, we might as well have Johnny rise as a Vampire and learn three seasons later that Caleb Nichol faked his death to escape financial troubles. I love the O.C. and will not allow this travesty to happen.

Fucking Diane Collins/random X-Men observation

DISCLAIMER:

The title of this post does not refer to "fucking Diane Collins" with the same meaning that a post from Vice would have if it were titled "Fucking Cheryl Weston." That being said, let's move on.

So some of you may have had the fortune of meeting local UW Law School uber-bitch Diane Collins. For those that don't know, she's a secretary of some variety at the Remington Center. I intended to write this earlier, but my rage was momentarily diverted by the douchebag and his posse that parked in my driveway. But now the rage is back.

Diane Collins and I have never gotten along, seeing as how she has always seen it fit to respond to my simple requests with an endless stream of bitching, and closing the argument by transforming into a creature from hell and devouring my soul. It's alot like that scene in Ghostbusters I where Louis is transformed into an evil dog who serves the evil demigod Gozer and furthers her sinister designs on the world.

Anyways, I was returning to school a couple days ago and nearly bump into her in the hall. I say "nearly" because at no point did I actually make physical contact with her. Nevertheless, she pivots, scowls, and lets out an exaggerated sigh that conveyed to the world the extreme hatred she harbors towards hazards like myself.

I now have a new mission in life. I shall get all 95's on all of my future exams. In fact, the UW will have to invent a new grade category for me to accomodate my truly remarkable brilliance. Then, I will get a job as a professor at the UW law school, and move up until I get to be Dean. Then I will fire Diane Collins. Then I'll rehire her, and fire her again. Then I'll digitally remaster Jabba the Hut into Star Wars Episode One.

On a completely unrelated note, in X-Men I, if Xavier knew that Magneto's helmut was blocking his telepathy, why didn't he simply yank it off when he was controlling Sabertooth's hand grasping Magneto's throat? Chuck Norris would have thought of that before making the movie.

Define "Prick"

So here I am, faced with a nominally easy decision that for some reason seems monumentally difficult. My car is parked at the very end of my driveway, of which only myself, my roommate, our two upstairs neighbors and my landlord have access. At the very other end, near the sidewalk, sits an unidentified car with Minnesota plates. It has been there for three days, parking me in. Nobody in the house seems to know the origin of this strange contraption from a faraway land.

Now, there is a small chance that my brother would like to take my car out tomorrow morning. Chances are, both my brother and myself would be too lazy to do so, but sometimes there is that opportunity for extraordinary motivation, where we act before 8 a.m. I have identified the likely culprit of this crass and daring act as the hot girl who lives directly across the window from me. I left a note on the car this afternoon demanding passage to Broom Street, and reminding the owner that there is no easement on our driveway. I also went next door and knocked. Hard. There was no response to my demand letter or thunderous pounding.

The question at hand, is do I call the police department and have the car towed? My landlord has already authorized it, and I'm pissed that somebody would disrespect my authority by parking in a resident who does have the clear right to be there. However, I'm torn at the thought of having the car towed tonight and then not moving at all tomorrow. Furthermore, I'm dismayed at the thought of committing an act of war against a good looking girl. That fear, though, is countered by the fact that she hasn't offered me any meretricious services yet, CLEARLY making her a lesbian. Mainly, I'm concerned about making somebody incur $200 plus in fees if I don't get any benefit from it, but on the other hand, they have no right to be in the driveway, and apparently does not care at all about the fact that she is parking in a car at the other end for three days.

UPDATE:

The iron illegal immigrant has been towed. My ride has been moved to an undisclosed location. There are some unidentified douchebags outside. They look pissed. The hot neighbor is not among them. Score: Me: 2 Douchebags: 0.

I hate being right all the time.

So as previously discussed, I predicted that Marissa Cooper would be killed in the last episode of Season 3 by an enraged Kevin Volchok. I was right.

This totally changes things on the O.C. Obviously, things will need to be restructured to account for the college-bound Summer and Ryan, while there is a vacancy in the Cooper household. I really, really, really, hope that they figure out some way to keep Summer and Ryan at home, to avoid the phenomenon that doomed Saved by the Bell, the College Years. Ryan, I'm certain will remain. Afterall, he had a part in Marissa's death, and I'm guessing the that ultra-efficient legal system in the O.C. will quickly implicate Ryan in some fashion. Otherwise, he will be so guilt-ridden that he'll stay for some reason or another. The producers also conveniently grounded Cohen, by staying his RISD acceptance until the January semester. Summer may be in and out of the O.C., which should make for an interesting side-plot as she undoubtedly falls for a new guy at Brown.

The greatest change is bound to occur in the Cooper home. I am willing to bet that Julie will still marry Dr. Roberts. I also bet that Caitlin Cooper will move home to take Marissa's place in the cast, which structures an opportunity to bring in an interesting "side cast" that will keep the subplots fresh. However, I have a feeling that the show will sorely miss Marissa. To honor her memory, here is a short list of highlights I have compiled from memory.

The Men (and Woman) Marissa Did:

1. Luke Ward
2. Ryan Atwood
3. D.J. (He didn't have a last name, but he didn't need one, he was one of two minorities to ever have a speaking role on the show)
4. Ryan Atwood (again)
5. Alexandra (the short-lived but very hot girl on girl relationship)
6. Ryan Atwood (once more!)
7. Kevin Volchok

Marissa's near-death experiences:

1. Overdosing on tequila and painkillers in Tijuana.
2. Being held at gunpoint by Oliver in season one.
3. Her altercation at the strip club/celebrity party.
4. Being attacked by Tre Atwood on the beach.
5. Nearly falling with Johnny as he committed suicide.
6. That time she died last episode.

Memorable Marissa Moments:

1. Being hot.
2. The time Marissa found out her mom had been fucking her high-school ex-boyfriend.
3. Marissa reconnecting to the wayward Jimmy Cooper.
4. Always trying to save the person in distress, but always falling to her own weaknesses (Here I reference Oliver, Tre, Volchok, Jimmy, Caitlin).
5. Shooting Tre to save Ryan.
6. Disowning Volchok and reconnecting with Ryan in a hearbreaking prom scene.

The O.C. Death Count: 3
(Caleb, Johnny, Marissa)

Awkward Experience in Truth in Sentencing

So yesterday I joined my family to celebrate my brother's graduation and mother's day. After an extraordinarily long morning of graduation festivities (for which I had to wake up at 6 a.m.!), we decided to have a late lunch at Perkins.

At Perkins, there was a ten minute wait, and who should come in right behind me, but Professor Mary Prosser and her two kids. Now, Professor Prosser has never liked me, and it probably has something to do with me being a smartass in her class (in response to numerous big chief-related remarks that progressively became the stupidest things I had ever heard), or the time I loudly declared her to be a "huge bitch", and didn't realize she was standing right next to me. But that's not the point. I gave her the obligatory head nod, and then had to sit there ten minutes while waiting to be seated. Wow, talk about awkward.

I guess I learned a valuable lesson: Never say anything bad about another person unless you want ten minutes of awkward silence later in life. Wait, who am I kidding? I actually didn't learn any lesson at all. And even if I had committed an act worthy of punishment, Prosser wouldn't have sentenced me to more than ten minutes of probation in any case. So I guess my sentence is over with.

Badass Husky

Now this Siberean Husky pup looks like it means business!

Bored

So I've purchased a jawbreaker the size of a baseball, and I haven't managed to wear it down yet. This is what my life after finals has become. Sucking on a gigantic jawbreaker and reviewing the Fourth Amendment for fun. This simply cannot stand.

While finishing finals early appeared at first to be a blessing, it has become an immeasurable curse. I'm bored out of my mind, and have exhausted ALL desire to play video games. I am now bored enough to read cases and flip through my statute book for fun. I haven't shaved for like five days because it amuses me to look like a homeless person. Or Leonard Kaplan.

Now I have true appreciation of the phrase "Freedom isn't Free." Before the last two weeks, I was content to use this phrase to respond to any questions I couldn't answer with logic. However, my own situation brings personal appreciation to the mother of all catchphrases. I'm free from school, but since I have nothing to do for school, and nobody else appears to be done with school (law, GAC, and other random Madison associates included), I'm stuck here, lamenting to myself on the internet about how bored I have become.

Tomorrow, the highlight of my day should be doing laundry. I'll probably get into some kind of argument with the local homeless people that frequent the laundry place, like I do every fortnight. Then I'll come back here and write about it.

Saddam Propaganda Picture

I was doing some routine research on Saddam Hussein and came across this picture.


I imagine the conversation would go something like this...

Saddam: Hey Udai, what's goin on?

Udai: Not, much, what are you up to?

Saddam: Oh you know, standing in the middle of a bunch of rocket launchers and explosions, leading Iraq to victory against the infidel. Same old.

Udai: Tight...so are we up for crucifying some more ethnic minorities tonight?

Saddam: Oh shoot, you know, I totally forgot that was tonight. I really want to catch House on T.V. I guess House gets a patient with a mysterious disease that only he can cure. Maybe some other night.

Udai: Come on...

Saddam: Alright, I suppose I could swing by a little later.

Udai: Aight, later.

Wild Boar!

The fourth installment on the PBS series on animals focuses on the wild boar. Pictured below, is the boar.

FACTS:

1. Wild Boar are very aggressive animals...when playing poker, they often make sizable raises before the flop.

2. If you poke a boar once, it will kill you. If you poke a boar twice, it will laugh.

3. A Wild boar can finish off a case of Blatz in five minutes ANYTIME IT WANTS TO.

4. Davey Crockett was actually a wild boar...he killed him a bear, when he was only three.

5. A wild boar convinced David Blaine to live underwater for a week...then stole his car.

6. When you try and take a deposition from a boar, you'll get discovery...discovery of your intestines!

Boar Occupying France

A Man and his Pork

ANALYSIS:

As you can see, the wild boar ranks higly in the animal kingdom. It also ranks highly among the plants and fungi. The downside of the boar is that it lives in Texas, so obviously their ancestors did something to piss God off or they wouldn't be stuck there. Another weak spot of the boar is that it spends most of its time sniffing out mushrooms. Now I don't blame the boar for spending time looking to score some 'shrooms, but I do ask that they go to prison for it. But only if they're poor. If I could, I'd have a running of the boars down State Street every night at bar time. However, something tells me the city would cut that idea when they found out the boar weren't all Democrats. Another great idea I had was to train a police boar. Since they have such a great sense of smell, and tusks, they could work side by side with the police dogs, that would even the score against dangerous criminals. Overall, I'd rate the boar as satisfactory. One caveat, is to avoid confusing the wild boar with the wild bore, pictured infra.

FIFRA, the Wild Bore

Reality TV Super Heroes

Now this sounds like it would have been perfect for somebody I know. He just needs to pick a badass superhero name...the Incredible Soft Hands.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060506/ap_en_tv/people_stan_lee

And the Roundhouse Goes to...UW.

It's official: The University of Wisconsin has figured out yet another way to rape me. Starting in June, the cost of official transcripts for students will go up 800 percent from zero, to eight dollars per transcript! Oh, but don't worry, the price goes down to $6.50 per transcript if you order 25 or more.

Judging by OCI last year and the firms I plan to send letters out to next year, I will need between 40 and 60 transcripts...all at a mere cost of about $260.00. What could the budget crisis possibly be that requires such a gigantic increase in transcript price? The way I figure, is if we can't afford to buy transcripts, we won't get jobs. Without jobs, there is no choice but to stay in school. Nice little scam these fuckers have going for them. Guess I'll just have to fall back on plan B: Kill everyone. See what education has done to me?

In the Zone

I am in the zone. The O.C. and I have melded together perfectly to become one. So much happened tonight that I will have to break the episode and season finale previews into different sections.

I. Sandy Cohen: Good Guy at Heart

The parallels between Sandy Cohen and the late and infamous Caleb Nichol crescendoed to a peak tonight when Sandy was named Riviera Magazine's Man of the Year. I could smell the corruption from 1500 miles away. But I kept the faith and Sandy Cohen did not disappoint. It took a jolt from Summer about Seth's former misdeeds, Seth's admission that he didn't get into Brown, and news that Kirsten had started drinking again to wake Sandy up, but wake up, he did. Sandy dropped a multimillion dollar project to do the right thing and ensure the conviction of his former, corrupt business partner. Then he REJECTED the great honor that Riviera Magazine had bestowed upon him. The Sandy Cohen we all know and love has returned!

II. Ryan Atwood, A Man Apart

The parallels between this episode and the very first miracle of an episode that became the O.C. were astounding. Ryan gets blackmailed into helping Volchok steal a car, since Volchok threatened to report his ass-beating as an assault and ruin Ryan's college years. So Ryan, who typically did not recognize the option to refuse, went along. Volchok breaks the window, the car alarm goes off, and the cop car comes screeching towards them. Volchok looks at Ryan and says "Get in, don't be a little bitch!" The EXACT words that Tre Atwood said to Ryan when he went for the fateful ride in a stolen vehicle that landed Ryan in juvenile jail and eventually in the O.C. Except this time, Ryan did not take the ride. He had a family and real life to lose, and the justaposition of the three years touched me to the point where I felt actual emotion. On a semi-related note, the lady who Ryan saw immediately before Volchok stole the car was Luke Ward's mom. Even though she hasn't been in an episode for over two years, it never fails to astound me how I identify old characters with a profound sense of community.

III. Marissa Cooper, Undercover Slut

Marissa gets a call from her sister...it could only be trouble. It seems that the guy Caitlin Cooper refused to sleep with stole a school heirloom and blamed it on Caitlin to get her kicked out of school. What does Marissa do to help? Dresses up as a schoolgirl, Britney Spears "Baby one more time" style, and puts on a striptease for the guy who stole the heirloom. She then ties him to a chair, steals his pants and keys, and recovers the heirloom for her sister. I think in the bigger scheme of things this relatively small 'novelty' storyline will become monumentally important, but I'll get to that in my "premonitions" section.

IV. Seth Cohen and Why you Shouldn't do Drugs

We all knew it was bad news when Cohen smoked his first J early this season. Now the stress of his mother's alcoholism and his father's potential indictment have driven him to toke some more chronic. He did so at the newport group, and it seems that his partially extinguished joint set the Newport Group ablaze. I was particularly astonished that within FIVE MINUTES, when the fire was far from out, the police showed up to arrest Cohen! I guess they are too rich for probable cause in the O.C. Despite this minor inconvenience, I think Cohen will come out of it okay. Still, this episode was such a stoic warning of why kids shouldn't do drugs, that every sixth grader should have to watch it.

V. Premonitions

In two weeks, we see the season finale. And the announcer flashed the main characters and said ONE OF THEM MAY NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT! Here's how I see it going down.

They all go through graduation, have a great time and solve their problems, then the tragedy hits for an end of the season cliffhanger. This is no ordinary cliffhanger though, this is something special. There have been rumors that Mischa Barton was talking about leaving the O.C. for fear of being typecasst as Marissa Cooper. Through a series of astoundingly clever deductions, I've come to the conclusion that Marissa will be the one to go.

Notice how Marissa has been making peace with her world through the second half of this season. She dumped the abusive guy and proclaimed that Ryan was a good person. She drove to her little sister's school and performed a striptease just to help her out, even though her sister was such an unappreciative little brat. Marissa has finally made peace with her mother, Julie Cooper, and the previews show Julie in a rare display of emotion, making some universally loving statements to her daughter at graduation.

So here is what I expect to see. Marissa will suffer an accident of some sort, the cause is left open, but I expect since she's doing so well, it won't be another drug OD. Volchok wasn't apprehended on this episode, so he could attack, or a random tragedy would do as well. Then her fate is unknown. I doubt the producers would kill her outright and ruin a perfectly good cliffhanger, but it's a possibility. The summer gives Mischa Barton time to think things over to decide whether or not she wants to return. From there, are plenty of options. Marissa could move away due to the 'trauma' to return only periodically, or she could die in season four. The possibilities are endless. The tragedy would undoubtedly bring back old characters...probably Jimmy Cooper for sure, and Caitlin as well. In addition, a tragedy would keep the O.C. a close-knit community: nobody would be going far for college when they're needed at home. I can hardly wait to see what happens!

I thought I'd post the above image to get you all super pissed/pumped to carry out the edict, infra.

It's a Good Day to be Pissed

So I had to take my pimp ride out on official business this afternoon. I get back around 2:30 in the afternoon and there are no parking spaces anywhere. Then I spy a car parallel parking in what was easily a large enough space for two vehicles. He parks directly in the middle, not leaving enough room for me on either side. I pull up along side of his car and politely ask the driver if he would pull up so I could park as well.

"No," he responds, "I like to leave alot of room on either side so I don't have any trouble getting out." Then the guy had the audacity to say "excuse me" so he could open his car door. He left and walked around the block and I gave serious thought to performing some 'pressure adjustments' to his tires, even though the proper response would have been to pop the trunk, pull out a tire iron and perform pressure adjustments on his skull.

What the fuck is wrong with people today? The longer I stay here the more I see the destruction of common decency. The other day I was at T-Bell late at night and some drunk undergrads (probably no older than freshmen) threatened to call the INS because the guy at the counter wasn't working fast enough. They all thought it was hilarious. Sure, it's alright to have unpopular views, but there is no excuse to be an asshole. This whole city is full of dumbass kids spending their parent's money and acting like they own the universe. I for one, am sick of it.

It's funny, Xander Cage saw the same phenomenon in xXx. And what did he do about it? He took the boss asshole's Corvette and launched it off a bridge. And when Anarchy 99 proclaimed their right to "do what we want when we want," Xander tolerated it, until they violated the realm of common decency and killed a bunch of innocent scientists. Then he blew up their cars...and most of them. We can learn alot from Vin Diesel.

This is a call to arms to preserve the common law rule of common decency. When somebody takes more than they need at the expense of others, makes a drunk joke that isn't funny, or keeps the collar on his shirt flipped up, let your inner Xander Cage surface. If you don't, the law of common decency might be forever lost. Just think of what would have happened if the soldiers had given up during WWII. We'd all be speaking German and watching David Hasselhoff on MTV. Our grandparents had that war, we have this one...don't let your nation down.

Raccoons

Continuing the PBS series on animal reviews, I bring you the Pyotor Locor: Commonly known as the North American Raccoon. Pictured below, is a raccoon.

Notice how the Pyotor Locor hangs out in a tree all day, doing nothing. Much like the common homeless person. They do nothing, yet feel entitled to food from us.

FACTS:

1. Raccoons are only blood brothers with one other animal: Saddam Hussein.

2. Raccoons willingly invade the roofs of people in order to nest, and sing the raccoon version of "My humps" all day. When you tell them to shut up, they climb up next to your window and bare their raccoon teeth menacingly and insult your American heritage.

3. If you shoot a raccoon, remember that it's not dead until it stops charging you. Once it's dead, remember that the alien inside of the raccoon burrows out of the carcas, much like in Tremors 2, and attacks you again.

4. Raccoons eat trash, but will eat Lobster and drink champagne if you offer it to them. Stuck up bastards.

5. If you can see a raccoon, it can see you. If you can't see a raccoon, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Raccoons are carriers of such diseases as rabies, mumps, AIDS, the bubonic plague, diabetes, and K-Fed.

The Mexican Water Raccoon

A Raccoon Stealing Santa's Cookies...now Santa won't give those kids shit.

ANALYSIS:

As you can see, raccoons are lacking in integrity, and a very weak species overall. Their killing power is below air...although I've seen air kill at least three people. Raccoons do nothing but take from people and then expect us to thank them for it! I have seen three rabid raccoons shot in my life, and you know what, two out of three came back to life for one final attack after getting shot (the other a cop had run over with his car, then shot it when it didn't die). What's the only other species to do this? The BAD GUYS in horror movies. Raccoons even have the audacity to challenge DOGS. Their fearless evil is a threat to all society. I can see them now, perched in trees, inside of dumpsters, burrowed inside the honest hardworking roofs of Americans, and feasting on the remains of chicken buttholes. Raccoons are to the world what Satan is to Heaven, one day they will try rising up and try taking things over up in this. We have to be ready to combat this evil threat. Here is a list of essentials you will need:

1. Duct Tape and Plastic bags.

2. 9.5 years of American martial arts training.

3. Gold.

4. A ready supply of A8 China.

5. Mounds of swords.

Don't believe me? Think I'm paranoid? Look at what happened to this poor, doubting soul:

Freedom Isn't Free

The REAL America

If you're not ready for something SERIOUSLY AMERICAN, I'd suggest you avert your eyes. It's really amazing what you can find when you truly believe in your heart in the concept of America. This has to be one of the most incredible things I've seen on the internet, or elsewhere. Ready...?

CHUCK FOR PRESIDENT

Chuck Norris was actually the fourth wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he wore until his death. The other wisemen were jealous and wrote him out of the Bible. They all died of roundhouse-kick related deaths.