Notable Things My Clients Said to the Judge Today

"Fuck you, you fucking faggot, you're dead."

-Needless to say, I'm now studying the law of contempt...and felony threatening a judge. It's nice to work in such an intellectually stimulating environment.

Adventures in Bachelorhood

This weekend was my roommate's bachelor party, which we held in Chicago. While I won't go into all of the details of the night, I feel there are some noteworthy moments out there.

We began, oddly enough, with drinking. Then after building up a decent buzz, we went to play Whirlyball. For those of you who have never heard of it, whirlyball is a game that combines lacrosse with high speed bumper cars. It was pretty much the greatest thing I have ever done. But let me tell you; you get enough head on collissions at thirty miles and hour and the whiplash actually starts to hurt.

Afterwards we went to dinner and one of my roommates friends, who had too much to drink, took a glass from under the bar, and filled it from the tap when the bartender wasn't looking. Some chicks at the bar took notice and threatened to report him-one claimed to be a canine cop. However, that was defused when he noted that her accent was Australian, and we would never tolerate a foreign cop in America. He had her there.

Then my roommate said something I took great offense to: He said that he didn't want to drink anymore and just wanted to enjoy "a quiet night on the town." Immediately, I began to label him with various parts of the female anatomy and encouraged everyone to join in. What a dumbfuck. So we took him to a bar (It rhymed with "plyote fugly") and began to pressure him heavily to drink. By "pressure," I mean we actually forced the first few beers in him. The night rapidly evolved into various displays of drinking one upsmanship and eventually I was one upsmansmashed.

Eventually, his brother got hammered and began petitioning the various hot women around the bar to sign his shirt. One of the girls was someone I postively identified as a patient I saw on Dr. 90210. For the record, they looked real. Anyways, I mentioned that I had seen her on the show and she confirmed this, then said something to the effect that she was tired of being approached by strangers because she is "a celebrity." I kid you not, she described herself as a celebrity. Soon thereafter her boyfriend (whom had a serious Napoleon complex) came over and asked my roommate if "he wanted to die" for having his girlfriend sign his shirt. The three of us that were there at the moment, being much larger and armed with the power of being raging drunk, threatened to smash his testes on the bar with a sledgehammer. He said he would call "his boys." Don't worry, when he said he was calling other dudes, I got the first gay joke in. We then mocked him relentlessly about the fact that 1/3 of his body weight was composed of hairgel. What a douchebag.

Finally, we ended the night elsewhere and got back without one person throwing up. Considering the heroic drinking that went on that night, I'm calling it a win.

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch

"Well that didn't take you long" were the words out of my coworker's mouth when he tried to scold me like a child for pissing off the judge. Apparently, the courts have been operating here for years as if the rules don't apply to them and a request for a speedy trial is a "deep insult" to the court's skill in assessing an appropriate bail. When I informed my coworker that I would not be apologizing for making a legitimate motion, he and the judge made it clear to everyone in the courthouse that I was a huge asshole and shouldn't be listened to. The judge also implied that all of my clients would suffer as a result. If they want an asshole, the asshole is here now.

Man, this is just like the time Ryan Atwood got beaten up by Luke Ward when he first came to the O.C. However, I take comfort in the immortal words of John Rambo for the long fight ahead: "If you want a war, I'll give you a war you won't believe."

Did I Just Make it a Whole Week?

I think I just made it a whole week...a week without TV, internet, pizza, Qdoba, and attacks from homeless people. Most importantly, I made it an entire week without making a comment to my new coworkers about Vin Diesel movies or the O.C....two things I have been unable to avoid throughout my legal career. I even avoided a perfect moment to quote the Big Lebowski.

Something tells me things will end up okay.

Yo Johnny, I'll see you in the next life!

The title of this post, of course, refers to the immortal words that Bodhi yelled to Johnny Utah at the end of Point Break, when he jumped on a jeep with Rosie in the Mexican desert and left Utah and Tyler standing amongst the parachutes and $100 bills floating around. For both Utah and Bodhi, the next life began at that moment. The Ex-Presidents were disbanded, Utah was ousted from his gang of blood brothers, and all had survived a harrowing and life changing experience. Each had important work to do and a new phase of life to attend to.

Today, I'm jumping on the jeep with Rosie (metaphorically speaking). I'm really, truly, leaving Madison after three years and I guess I'm experiencing the same degrees of regret, excitement, and trepidation that Bodhi and Utah felt in the Mexican desert. Although I'll be back, it won't ever be the same. My band of ex-Presidents will also be working and eventually spread all over the nation (better than the fate of the real ex-Presidents, though). And in the not-so-distant future, people will start settling down, getting dogs, having families, beginning successful careers, and in general, ruling the world. Although there is certainly nothing wrong with that, I imagine that I'll look back on the last few years now and then and wish I was still in law school.

So to everyone who didn't get a proper farewell, take these words to heart: Yo Johnny, I'll see you in the next life!

Now play some whimsical/nostalgic but still badass music in your heads.