The New Face of Utah, Get Me Two

For the past year I've combined the badass name of Johnny Utah and the picture of Sandy Cohen to achieve a maximum effect of kick-assedness. However, in honor of the final episode of the O.C., Johnny Utah will merge with his true likeness. Let's have a moment of silence for Peter Gallagher who has served so admirably as the face of Utah, Get Me Two for the past year.

Endings and Beginnings

Tonight was the last episode of The O.C. Man, did it suck. None of my favorite characters came back. I never figured out where Cohen buried Zach Stevens. Cohen married Summer (duh), Julie chose to be single (with no apparent source of income) and Sandy and Kirsten moved back to Berkeley, like I always figured they would. The series ended with Ryan Atwood becoming an architect and seeing a troubled kid by a public phone, much like Ryan in season one. It implied that Ryan was going to help him. Stupid fucking ending. I'm pissed.

However, tonight sparked the burgeoning stupidity that is bound to ruin a man's career. I had heard the murmering about Professor Leonard Kaplan's allegedly "racist" remarks for a little while now, but tonight there was a full-fledged news story on crazy Lenny. As someone who has been in Legal Process with Kaplan, and paid enough attention to portray him in a semi-satirical manner, I can say with some certainty that his remarks were taken way out of context. Kaplan tended to push the edge in an effort to make us think. Granted, most of the time I was silently mocking him, surfing the internet, or contemplating how drunk I was going to get at bar review. However, I know that he said alot of things that could be taken out of context, but were by no means racist. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to defend Leonard Kaplan. The man made alot remarks that were by no means "PC," but most definitely not racist. I realize that most of my readers (all four) are now giving me the label of "racist." So be it. I'm sick of all the hypocrites at this school who are all about free speech until they don't like what is being said. The founding fathers intended for society to be a forum for finding truth through debate. To my knowledge, nobody challenged Kaplan during class. They ran out and complained to the dean. In my world, that's called being a coward. If we can't learn to defend our views in public, instead of making self-assured assumptions of what we feel is right, then none of us have any business becoming lawyers. The beauty of free speech is seeking truth through adversity, and I find it a shame that we're going to discount Kaplan's questionable remarks as racism, rather than talk about them in context. He was a fucking terrible teacher, but he deserves a fair shake. Let's give him one.

Finally, I'm going to file bar review in the chategory of "endings." I show up consistently, and nobody ever joins me. I vaguely recognize a few 1L faces, but they don't have souls, so they don't count as people. If there is one thing I learned in law school, it's drinking. Don't let me down, people. On that note, I will be unable to attend for several weeks. Fucking Friday mornings.

Fare thee Well, O.C.

It's official...the O.C. will air its final episode this Thursday, in which it purports to "answer all of our questions." I know it's just a T.V. show, but I'm going to be sad because this show tended to connect with almost everyone who watched it at a very basic level. I most defeinitely connected with the show, the characters, and the things they got themselves into. So after one fantastic season, two very good seasons, and one marginal season, here is my underinclusive recap of my favorite people and moments of the O.C.

Characters

I. Ryan Atwood

Ryan was the protagonist of the entire story. Without his entry into the O.C., the series wouldn't have happened. His story was inspiring because in his hour of need, Ryan found hope and a new life he didn't think he could have. His stories taught everyone that family is not limited to bloodlines. Plus, he got some pretty hot women.

II. Sandy Cohen

What a great person. I've aspired to be Sandy Cohen many times. Public Defender, but married to a super rich, super hot woman. He has all of the advantages of wealth, but can look down piously at everyone around him. Sandy was the one character on the show who ALWAYS made the right moral decision. It was truly a comfort to see him in the show and believe that somewhere out there was a person who could be a compass to the community like Sandy.

III. Seth Cohen

People most often compare me to Seth. Initially I objected, because Seth is the comic book obsessed dork who never got any play. Okay, I can see why people made the initial comparison. However, Seth really transformed throughout the series to be a strong, wise, and incredibly loyal friend, son, and brother. He's someone to look up to. Plus, as with the other two, he got a fantastically hot chick. I'd be proud to be compared to Seth.

IV. Luke Ward

Luke was a major character in season one, then disappeared. However, he was such a badass and clueless tool that I have to include him. Were it not for Luke, none of us would quote the immortal line "Welcome to the O.C., bitch." There's a little of Luke in everyone. Sure of himself, but insecure at the same time and utterly clueless on the right way to handle things.

V. Julie Cooper

It's appropriate to list Julie next to Luke, since she did him. Well, she did alot of guys. Rather than comment on Julie's serpentine nature, I'll just list the people she did:

(1) Jimmy Cooper, (2) Caleb Nichol, (3) Jimmy Cooper Again, (4) Luke Ward, (5) Lance (the porn producer), (6) Dr. Neil Roberts, (7) Gordon Bullit, (8) Frank Atwood, (9) Random younger guy.

VI. Anna Stern

If I lived in the O.C., this is who I would have ended up with. Quirky, confident, and unafraid to be different from the high school cliques. Not to mention incredibly hot. She was a fountain of wisdom and never failed to mesmerize me with her ability to handle everything from pop quizes to hostage situations.

VII. Jimmy Cooper

Jimmy is the one I tend to compare myself to. He has the tendency to hesitate and be indecisive and in the process, makes some stupid mistakes. But he loves his family, is loyal to his friends, and is genuinely a very good guy. I was disappointed when the mob ran Jimmy out of Newport but fully expect his return in the final episode.

VIII. Caleb Nichol

I loved Caleb because he was such a jackass. He brought out my inner lawyer and made me root for being a prick. The actor, Alan Dale, was a fantastic pick to be the disapproving father in law of Sandy Cohen and shady businessman/gazillionaire at the top of Newport's heirarchy. I was pretty sad when he died at the end of season two, since it was clear nobody could really replace him. Barring the appearance of zombies, it is unlikely that he will return in the finale.

IX. Summer and Marissa

At first, Marissa was the hottest thing I had ever seen on TV. Then it was Summer. Then after Marissa became a temporary lesbian with the hot bartender Alexandra, it was Marissa again. After she died, it went back to Summer. But seriously, those two were great in the show together...Marissa as the depressed/concerned social queen and Summer as the gorgeous object of Cohen's affection.

Moments

The Greatest O.C. Villains

1. Caleb Nichol: He was a dichotomy of good and bad, but I definitely would not fuck with him.
2. Kevin Volchok: A total psycho, and the only one who committed murder in the O.C.
3. Oliver Trask: I thought Oliver was a little bitch and I would have solved the problem by beating his ass so badly he wouldn't have come back for nine episodes. But he still makes the list.
4. Trey Atwood: He had some good in him until he got coked up. Then he got shot.

The Heroes

1. Sandy Cohen: He saved Ryan's life, his family, and us all. God bless Sandy Cohen.
2. Ryan Atwood: Always knew the right time to throw a punch.
3. Summer Roberts: Although underplayed, she's pulled more people out of jams than anyone in the whole show.

The things I wish they had cut

1. Trey Atwood: Good lord, that went on about ten episodes too long.
2. The celebrities: The O.C. was great. It certainly did not need appearances by Paris Hilton, Steve-O, and some lame ass American Idol contestant.
3. DJ: I know the O.C. needed a Mexican at some point, but he didn't say anything and everything he did say did nothing to contribute to the plot.

Body Count

1. Caleb Nichol
2. Johnny
3. Lance(?)
4. Max
5. Marissa Cooper

What I wanted to see more of

1. Luke: What else is there to say? The tools are usually my favorite part of any show and Luke was most definitely that. However, he was a rare tool who turned out to be a good guy.
2. Jimmy: Jimmy is alot like me and I found it comforting to see someone like him getting so much support. Had he not bankrupted his clients, stole from trust accounts, slept with his ex-girlfriend's sister, got beat up at a charity ball, punched his benefactor in a Vegas VIP room and got beat up by the mob, he would have been an ordinary guy too.
3. Hailey Nichol: WOW, was she ever hot. Disturbed, mystic, yet a good companion. And hot.
4. Zach Stevens: Zach was never a favorite of many people. That's probably because he was so normal and well-adjusted. Since he disappeared without explanation, I can only assume that Cohen murdered and buried him in the poolhouse.
5. Theresa: So whose baby is it really? How did she get so hot?
6. Lindsay Gardner: Lindsay was the illegitimate (and extraordinarily hot) daughter of Caleb Nichol who came and went during season two. Since she was Kirsten's half-sister and Ryan was Kirsten's adopted son, I think the fact that the two of them dated was probably incest. Drink heavily.

Drumroll...My Favorites

1. Cohen Standing on the table to proclaim his love of Summer. Dorks everywhere (including me) cheered for Cohen as he finally got the girl he had liked for so long. Two very different but very good people came together and this moment in TV actually triggers real emotion in me.
2. Sandy asking Ryan during Thanksgiving "how was home? (referring to Chino)" Ryan responded "I don't know, you tell me, I was in Chino."
3. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujia as Marissa died in Ryan's arms.
4. The Luke-Ryan fights in episodes 1-4. Especially where they burnt down the model home during the brawl.
5. Cohen juggling two women at once during the Thanksgiving episode.

As you might guess, it will be awhile before I can replace the gigantic void the loss of the O.C. will cause in my life. My "Things to live for" list is now down to (1) dog sledding, and (2) drinking. Needless to say, I will be out drinking in full force tomorrow night. Vaya Con Dios.

Hippy Attack!

Today marked a turning point in the war on hippies as they chose to fight back and invade my home. Hearing a knock on my front door, I assumed the neighbor was returning my key to the basement after blowing the fuses out. Not so. I was confronted by a dreadlocked hippy with a hemp leaf-emblazoned vest. Striking a defensive posture, I prepared to deliver a vicious roundhouse kick. But before I could attack, the hippy thrust a brochure for the Sierra club into view.

The hippy told me that if I didn't band with the Sierra club today and join their drum circle, President Bush and his allies would DESTROY the environment. I asked "how so?" He resopnded that global warming had reached dangerous levels and only the Democrats could save us...and they only listen to the Sierra Club. Initially, I was tempted to respond exactly like the redneck in South Park when told about global warming: "Yeah, well help youself to a fucking science book, because you're talking like a fucking retard." However, I properly chose to concentrate on expelling the waste of human life from my stairway landing.

Not only did the hippy attempt brainwashing techniques similar to those used in the Manchurian Candidate, but he had the nerve to ask me for money. Now, most people would agree with my self-description of "sensibly frugal," and if I refuse to pay extra for guacamole, this hippy sure as hell was not getting any of my hard-earned loan money. Nevertheless, he pressed, insisting that "five dollars could be the difference between a yes and no vote." Ignoring the fact that the statement was quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard, I prepared to beat back the hippy offensive once and for all.

I fried up some meat, fired up an SUV, left all of my lights on and sent out a hundred resumes to the man. Slowly, he began to lose strength and shrivel. I knew it was time to deliver the final blow, so I looked the hippy right in the eyes, and told him that no endangered lizard would stop me from building my house out of wood. He emitted a gutteral shriek and burst into flames before my eyes. The smoke from his corpse drifted harmlessly into the atmosphere and did nothing to contribute to global warming. I gave the neighbors a stern warning about locking the downstairs door.

Kindergarten Cop

Regardless of where we are in life, I think everyone can agree that the theme song from Kindergarten Cop kicks serious ass.

UPDATE:

This update has nothing to do with Kindergarten Cop, but I'd like to express my sheer frustration with the landlord for having the courtesy to invite the siding repair people to pound on the side of my house at 7 a.m. on my day to sleep in. He has the time and money to repair the siding, but when I ask to get the sink handle fixed, it "just isn't in the budget." If I had a ferret, I'd totally release it on them now.

Vin Diesel Day

Well, here it is. Valentine's Day. VD and I have a history. And for those of you snickering, NO, I'm not referring to venereal disease. Nor am I referring to Vin Diesel.

Three years ago on this day was the last time I had an official girlfriend. She used the opportunity to dump me and let me know that she thought I would never amount to anything. (But she got fat, so the joke's on her! Just kidding. Kind of). Four years ago on VD I crashed the ambulance. Seven years ago I was wearing Zubaz.

I've never liked the concept of Valentine's Day. It's a made up holiday designed to make people feel bad. I could tell from grade school that VD and I wouldn't get along. We used to make boxes for the class to drop valentines (and more importantly, candy) into. I never got that many. It was always kind of a slap in the face from early on that admiration was coupled with popularity, and since I was never all that popular, I didn't get very much candy.

I'm not saying that Valentine's Day has scarred me for life. It hasn't. VD simply tends to provoke an unwanted opportunity to reflect on your own perceived romantic shortcomings, and it's just easier not to think about it. Missed opportunities tend to be the worst. By "missed opportunities," I'm not referring to moments where I had to choose between Taco John's and something else. Missed opportunities are the things you know you should have made happen, but were too stupid, lazy, or scared to do.

For me, that's the triple threat. Since I think in very blunt terms (yes, no, explosion) I don't really read the language of girl all that well; so it takes a long time to decode the message of "I'm interested." By the time I do, the moment has passed and I'm too lazy to try and resurrect it. Additionally, there's always the worry that I'll get a rejection along the lines of "I only date good looking guys [gregarious female laughter in my face]." (Yes, that actually happened) So in a nutshell, these are the shortcomings VD has forced me to confront this year. Next year will probably include something along the lines that I helped contribute to the extinction of polar bears. (Those pricks think they own the arctic).

Still, we are who we are. I'm not going to apologize for "what if." To a certain extent, I still believe in fate, so if I make good on my shortcomings, then so be it. If not, it wasn't meant to be. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if any television station would have the guts to broadcast an action movie, instead of something starring Matthew Perry, Freddie Prinze Jr., or Hugh Grant.

Time to Take a Stand

Sometimes in life, you have to make a stand and defend it, no matter how unpopular the view might be, or how much of a dick you look like defending it. I think I found that cause today.

Before class today, we were discussing marriage in society and I made a quip about Britney and K-Fed's divorce. Nobody laughed. So, keeping with my theory of humor, I decided to make the comment in a slightly different way until my attempts just became pathetic and people laughed at that. This time, someone responded. I feel a little context is in order. The respondent is a huge gunner who very strongly conveys the assumption that he/she is the smartest person in the room, even on matters of opinion. The gunner is surrounded by a clique of serious people who tend to agree. The quasi-verbatim response: "You must really think it's funny what happened with their marriage, because I find it tragic and just because they were in the public light doesn't mean we should belittle their family or choices." Following the outburst, the PC posse nodded silent agreement.

Now I'm used to taking alot of heat when I make arguments, express my opinion, or utter horribly inappropriate comments. But this one I can't back down on. You can insult my politics, my background, my job prospects, my position that historical evidence supports the possibility that vampires once existed, and the bumbling series of events I call my life. But DON'T try to make something that is very CLEARLY hilarious a serious somber event just because you're trying to be PC. Kevin Federline is a huge douchebag who landed a beautiful multimillionaire. Then he continued being a douchebag and now he's out on his ass. I personally find that very funny, and will not stand for insults to my comedic integrity. Sure, some jokes flop. But some things are just so inherently hilarious that we can't stand to bury humor in the muck of PC. Regardless of the real world trouble Britney, K-Fed, and their kids all face, I'm taking a stand. It's funny.

WWWJDD

I've always known that Walter J. Dickey was the fucking man, but after picking up the paper this morning, he's been elevated to a whole new level. I was reading a story about Bret Bielema's salary increase, hardly somewhere you'd expect to see the King of Sentencing mentioned. But low and behold, there were several quotes from the great man praising Bielema and endorsing the salary increase.

Walter J. Dickey is the chair of the Wisconsin Athletic Board. This means that he's Barry Alvarez' BOSS. Which also means that he's Bielema's boss. Which pretty much makes Dickey singlehandedly responsible for the football team's awesome season this year. At this point, I'm so convinced of Dickey's superhuman status, that had we looked closer at the football team, we would see him throwing blocks on the offensive line, wearing number 72. Joe Thomas was merely a camera double.

I couldn't be prouder to sit in class with the man who had the vision to bring John Stocco's aerial circus to the entire world.

*Note: Walter J. Dickey is in no way responsible for the hockey team this year. He delegated that position to Michael Smith. Statistical evidence supports the conclusion that Walter Dickey has plowed every cheerleader in the UW system.

Alright. I fixed it. And I only had to kill five elephants to do it.

Real Life Space Cadet

The following story was too good to pass up comment. A NASA astronaut was arrested after an attempted kidnapping of a woman in Houston she believed to be interested in her fellow astronaut. Police quickly guessed the motive after they discovered emails detailing the other astronaut's love interest, which she had pirated from his email account. I'm not going to summarize the entire story, I'll just paste some actual quotes from the yahoo news version:

"Nowak [the astronaut] raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate."

"If you were just going to talk to someone, I don't know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray," said Sgt. Barbara Jones."

"They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags."

"According to NASA's official biography, Nowak is married with three children."

WOW! After all this, I couldn't help thinking of Maurice Clarett...only instead of being caught with several guns and a hatchett, she dressed in a wig and diapers and carried a BB gun. I had wanted to be an astronaut since I was like 8, but they wanted "scientists." Looks like they didn't read her application too closely because she displays all of the craziness of a scientologist. Honestly? This is who we have flying the space shuttle? Hey NASA! Over here! [Nudges head towards unemployed law student].

My digest of this story really doesn't do it justice...check it out at yahoo news or cnn.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070206/ap_on_re_us/astronaut_arrested

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/05/space.love/index.html

So yeah, it's pretty cold out

I think I've finally found something colder than my heart...the outdoors. Now, I'm usually not one to complain about the cold. I grew up in Wisconsin and I've spent alot of time in the wintery outdoors. Most of the time I hear someone mention how cold it is, I call them some variation of a woman or part thereof. However, when the actual high is in the negatives and the windchill is enough to literally make me lose feeling in my legs, I cave to my own disgust of complaining about the temperature and, well, complain about the temperature.

There's a reason I'm sitting here bitching about the cold instead of learning family law. That reason is because the professor had the courtesy to allow me to walk all the way up here, then send someone from the office to announce class was cancelled. If my blood had been circulating, instead of floating in my veins like a series of tiny icebergs, I would have been pissed. Instead, I'm sitting in the 'brary dreading my eventual return to the outdoors. What I wouldn't give for a dog sled team right about now.

An annoying side effect of the extraordinarily cold weather is the fact that local schools close down, leaving the children stranded with their law school parents. Now normally, I don't mind kids. They're good to scare or harass with pitchforks and tridents. However, what I DO mind, is those parents who find it necessary to turn my classes into a day care. Bus Orgs is distracting enough as it is without a bunch of little punks talking, asking loudly for snacks, and crawling around. I understand that with school cancelled, there's nowhere for the kids to go, but there is somewhere for the parents to go. Bite the bullet, stay home with the child you were responsible enough to keep alive to this point, and let me enjoy the old school stylings of Professor Ohnesorge in peace. Equally annoying are the children people bring to the atrium and ask others to look after. The screams of an infant tend to carry beyond the classroom walls. Unless somebody unleashed Predator in the atrium, there's no excuse for that kind of bellowing.

Don't Mess With America

HOLY CRAP!!!!!! Check out the story on this link about the buffoon who flew her paraglider near some eagles. Let this be a lesson to terrorists all over the globe, wherever you are, the eagle talons will always be ready to defend America if you even think about messing with us. Or if you just piss the eagles off.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070202/od_nm/australia_eagles_dc