Habeas Cockslap (You have the Cockslap)

For only the second time in my career, I've petitioned a Court for a writ of habeas corpus. Habeas is an "extraordinary writ" that is only used in specific instances alleging that a person is being held in custody unlawfully. In my case, I have a client who has been on a revocation hold for 99 days after an incident where he became "unreasonably loud" with his psycho ex-girlfriend. I sent a total of three certified letters and ten angry phone calls to the probation agent and supervisor staffing the case demanding discovery and inspection of their file. I was denied repeatedly. On the date of the final revocation hearing, the agent showed up fifteen minutes late with a 60 page revocation packet filled with all kinds of evidence I hadn't been allowed to inspect. It recommended four years incarceration in the Wisconsin State Prison System. The shocked ALJ immediately adjourned the proceedings to give me time to, you know, investigate and prepare.

I moved the circuit court for a writ of habeas corpus alleging that the sheer ineptitude of Agent Fucktard resulted in my client being held indefinitely without due process. I also threw in the fact that Wisconsin law requires these hearings to be held within fifty days of incarceration. Today I recieved a "cease and desist" letter and threatening phone call from some dickhole in the AG's office. He told me that my case was "frivolous" and "unethical" and if I don't immediately dismiss he would have the writ quashed and me professionally disciplined. The Assistant AG informed me that as a lowly public defender, I likely have not handled nearly the volume of habeas writs that he had and am way out of my league. My decision to subpoena the wayward agent and his supervisor apparently make me personally liable to them for frivolously taking them from their jobs. Of course, he mentioned that "fairness" dictates the Attorney General's office have at least eight weeks to respond and stated that adjournment was necessary.

"Fairness" in this case would involve my client not being imprisoned without any hearing, notice of alleged violations, or discovery for over 100 days. Of course what this prick doesn't realize is that I practice in front of a longtime rural judge who absolutely hates lawyers he doesn't know...especially government lawyers....ESPECIALLY big-city lawyers. I can't wait for the moment when I'm ordered to bone his mom right in front of him and pull out to ejaculate my stream of justice telephonically all over the DOJ. It makes me absolutely furious when the government abuses its power at the expense of a poor, uneducated individual who has no power to resist on his own. As a realist, I'm cognizant of the fact that I could very well lose this. Afterall, Justice Gableman taught us all that defending them criminals makes us the scum of the earth...and middle earth (I defended Gollum). But fuck, what I wouldn't give for five minutes of absolute immunity to commit 940 offenses in the name of justice.

UPDATE: Put this one in the "W" column. Fuck you, J.B. Van Hollen. Dah Deh Dah; Dah Deh Dah (Victorious Sportscenter theme).