Raccoons

Continuing the PBS series on animal reviews, I bring you the Pyotor Locor: Commonly known as the North American Raccoon. Pictured below, is a raccoon.

Notice how the Pyotor Locor hangs out in a tree all day, doing nothing. Much like the common homeless person. They do nothing, yet feel entitled to food from us.

FACTS:

1. Raccoons are only blood brothers with one other animal: Saddam Hussein.

2. Raccoons willingly invade the roofs of people in order to nest, and sing the raccoon version of "My humps" all day. When you tell them to shut up, they climb up next to your window and bare their raccoon teeth menacingly and insult your American heritage.

3. If you shoot a raccoon, remember that it's not dead until it stops charging you. Once it's dead, remember that the alien inside of the raccoon burrows out of the carcas, much like in Tremors 2, and attacks you again.

4. Raccoons eat trash, but will eat Lobster and drink champagne if you offer it to them. Stuck up bastards.

5. If you can see a raccoon, it can see you. If you can't see a raccoon, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Raccoons are carriers of such diseases as rabies, mumps, AIDS, the bubonic plague, diabetes, and K-Fed.

The Mexican Water Raccoon

A Raccoon Stealing Santa's Cookies...now Santa won't give those kids shit.

ANALYSIS:

As you can see, raccoons are lacking in integrity, and a very weak species overall. Their killing power is below air...although I've seen air kill at least three people. Raccoons do nothing but take from people and then expect us to thank them for it! I have seen three rabid raccoons shot in my life, and you know what, two out of three came back to life for one final attack after getting shot (the other a cop had run over with his car, then shot it when it didn't die). What's the only other species to do this? The BAD GUYS in horror movies. Raccoons even have the audacity to challenge DOGS. Their fearless evil is a threat to all society. I can see them now, perched in trees, inside of dumpsters, burrowed inside the honest hardworking roofs of Americans, and feasting on the remains of chicken buttholes. Raccoons are to the world what Satan is to Heaven, one day they will try rising up and try taking things over up in this. We have to be ready to combat this evil threat. Here is a list of essentials you will need:

1. Duct Tape and Plastic bags.

2. 9.5 years of American martial arts training.

3. Gold.

4. A ready supply of A8 China.

5. Mounds of swords.

Don't believe me? Think I'm paranoid? Look at what happened to this poor, doubting soul:

Freedom Isn't Free