Greatest Moment of the Year

Right at this moment, we're all looking at cinematic history. Coming back to cinema, the original cast of The Fast and the Furious, in an all NEW badass movie that will prove to be faster and more furious than all predecessors.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1013752/

I just shattered my femur thinking about it.

I needed a win

I had this client, a kid with a plethora of serious charges, which I've systematically had dismissed over the past few months with various motions. All that remained was a relatively serious sex felony that I had arranged to resolve with no sex offender registration and expungement. I was really patting myself on the back for a job well done when I got the call.

Some lady called asking for me and said she was with local private bigshot lawyer whom had been hired to represent my client because I "was not doing the job well enough for them." I shit you not, this fucking secretary began the call by calling me inadequate. Then she mentioned his court appearance on Wednesday and told me to file a motion for continuance so local bigshot could have time to prepare. I calmly informed her that they could file their own fucking motions and I would not be doing their bitchwork for them.

Minutes later, the bigshot himself called. He referred to me as "son" and asked for my files. At this point, I was pumped/pissed, so I enjoyed telling him no, not without a waiver of confidentiality form and 25 cents per page (with hundreds of pages). He told me that the firing stemmed from "not doing well enough on the case." As he was hanging up, he informed me that my clients would like their sixty dollar PD fee back. My response was that I had thirty or so hours logged and they had lost any right to that money.

So then the kid's bitchy mother called and screamed at me about being a shitty lawyer, you know, since I couldn't get his sexual assault dismissed. She threatened to call the judge, the state bar, the police, and everyone else because I was trying to destroy his life. I invited her to go ahead with the plan, said I'll be in Court for his next hearing, and won't be able to help when shithead fucks up the deal I worked out. My boss got the next call and informed them that I wasn't some kid behind the McDonald's counter, so calling the boss wasn't going to help.

Yes, I've been fired before, but frankly, I was glad to be rid of those clients. I was honestly shocked to get fired on this one. To my knowledge, I'd been doing a stellar job, but for some reason they lost faith. It's hard not to take personally, mainly because I have an ego the size of Jupiter, but also because the termination must mean in some sense that I let the little shit down. I was all ready for a "win" and now the new dickweed lawyer will take credit for my work and I'll be the asshole. In retribution I'm going to have to take the hearts of seven newborn rams.

Another Saturday

I just watched the movie Air Bud: Golden Receiver, and would like to address the following concerns I had during an otherwise plausible movie:

1. Buddy the golden retriever did not attend Wolverine Junior High School, therefore he was probably ineligible to compete in that league.

2. When Buddy ran out onto the field to catch the hail mary, it should not have resulted in a touchdown, since the Wolverines had too many players on the field.

3. It's highly unlikely that even the hardest of tackles would end up in flattening a person completely into the ground.

4. Dogcatchers should not need an undercover division with an ice cream truck for stakeouts since dogs cannot read or otherwise identify dogcatching vehicles.

5. Although Buddy was great at receiving the long pass, it seems that he would be a poor crossing route or post receiver since he's about two feet tall.

6. If someone ever tackled that dog, he would probably die.

7. Buddy was the star of that team, yet he didn't end up nailing a single cheerleader.

Overall, Air Bud: Golden Receiver made me a better man. Inside that golden retriever was the heart of an American, and possibly performance enhancing drugs. It's too bad that Buddy was eventually exposed for running an illegal human fighting kennel out of his Virginia property and sentenced to federal prison.

A Short List of People With Integrity

1. Vin Diesel
2. Duke Ellington
3. Mother Theresa
4. Balto, the sled dog that saved those Alaskan kids from some disease
5. This guy:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071212/ap_on_re_eu/airport_vodka

Sometimes you have to go all out and just chug whatever is left in the bottle.