A Comprehensive Review of the Bass

The post below got me so pissed/pumped, I had to go old school and review the bass. Pictured below, is a bass.

FACTS

1. Bass come in several varieties...small mouth, large mouth, potty mouth, seabass, and endangered.

2. Bass tend to avoid modern lingo. You will seldom here a bass call something "dope" or "fly" or "crunk" Instead, they use the tongue of the old world and call that which is badass "basstastic."

3. Most bass women tend to be common skanks and will birth thousands of baby bass at the same time. Bass men seldom pay child support.

4. Bass reside in nests. Many bass nests are constructed from silt and stone...however wealthier bass will also install granite countertops in their homes.

5. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a bass to fish and he will be one badass cannibal that rules the lake! Basstastic.

6. Bass are huge fans of Sam Jackson. In fact, before eating a worm many bass are known to quote: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

7. Sometimes bass occasionally jump onto land, flop around, scream through their gills, and spike their fins. This has made at least one bass the most talented member of his boy band.

Lance Bass, the fish that could.

More assaults from the animal kingdom

Surprisingly, the title of this post doesn't refer to an attack of a vertebrate against me. I did however, witness a giant bass repeatedly charge a diver hovering over its nest. It was truly one of the most unbelievable things I've ever seen...this fish had the gall to stand up to an adult male and ram directly into his face multiple times.

When we got above water he asked me, "don't you want to punch that fish?" Even though I wanted to punch it before it attacked anyone, I couldn't have agreed more. It's time to kick some bass ass.

Shaq Rap

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, noted for his blatently unconstitutional treatment of prisoners, has decided to suspend the honorary deputization he gave Shaquille O'Neil for his offensive freestyle rap "dissing" Kobe Bryant and his failure to win the NBA playoffs.


While the majority of the discussion seems to be on Shaq's attitude toward his former teammate, nobody seems to be making the obvious objection: What is Shaq doing freestyle rapping? Maybe I'm the only purist here, but this gigantic retard is a far cry from the hardcore freestyle of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. After listening to Shaq refraining time and again to "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes," I have to rank him right up there with Mr. Federline in ability as a ghetto bard.


And to think, I used to play Shaq Fu on the Sega...

Motherfucking rat bastard of all motherfucking bastards

My day started out well. I had a telephonic status conference with an ALJ. Of course he called in late, making me dangerously close to late for my departure time to court. As a result, I had to step on the pedal a little bit in order to make the first real court appearance on time. On the way to this particular county seat there is a section that goes from 55 mph to 35 mph in under a block. As I was doing about 65 in the 55 stretch, I didn't hit the brakes immediately at the change of speed limit.

Low and behold I get pulled over by some trooper hanging out. He's the state traffic officer who I work with regularly on criminal traffic cases. I expect a smirk and warning to slow down. Nope, the motherfucking rat bastard gives me a ticket for doing 60 in a 35 zone. For those of you unaware, this is a 4 point $200.00 plus ticket with a fifteen day license suspension, apparently effective immediately.

So why am I so pissed? There's a fucking code, and this jackass didn't honor it. When you work in the courthouse, you get a nod and a warning. Ticketing me makes this fucker no better than a canibal. Moreover, he's a particular jackass because he didn't alter the "radar reading" to prevent a suspension of my license. Since I'm apparently grounded for two weeks, I'm not sure how they plan on me being in court. I sure as shit won't be taking a taxi to my jury trial next week.

Mark my words: they will have to drag my bloody corpse to jail to take any fine money because I'm not paying one cent for this act of traitorous bastardom.

Sad song mix

Normally I'm not the type of person into "sad" music, primarily because I lack that part of the brain that creates feelings. However, I've had a whole week of feeling incredibly guilty/responsible/pissed for what happened to the gentleman, infra. So in response, I've substituted my normal regime of speed metal, hardcore rap (Will Smith) and assorted disco for a more melancholy mix of tunes to match the predominant mood in the house of Utah. In no particular order, here's a list of what I consider to be some of the saddest music of our time.

1. Message -Bee Gees.
-Okay, everyone knew that at least one Bee Gees song would make the list. The content of the song (i.e. "One more hour and my life will be through") lends itself very well to a sense of desperation.

2. The Scientist - Coldplay.
-For the umpteenth time, I think Coldplay is a decent band.

3. Hiding Behind the Moon - Jeff Hanson.
-I'm not actually sure what this song is about since I haven't listened to the lyrics. I downloaded it post Nip/Tuck episode three...it was stuck in my head after the lesbian scene. But this guy has a falsetto that puts Barry Gibb himself to shame.

4. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
-This one is on everyone's list.

5. Girl from the North Country - Bob Dylan
-Say what you want about this raspy alcoholic...the man knows self-pity.

6. The Freshman - Verve Pipe
-Something about abortion...wait shouldn't this be a happy tune for a high school freshman? Dodged that bullet!

7. The Luckiest - Ben Folds
-This one has some sentimental value to me...and as you know, I am one sentimental motherfucker (Go '91 Twins, Kirby Puckett rules!!) If you listen to the lyrics, it's actually pretty upbeat, but with a painful melody,

8. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm - Crash Test Dummies
-Girl with birthmarks, Quakers, kid who was in a car accident that turned his hair from dark into a presumably gay-looking white; all with a clever yet tearful chorus you'd expect to hear played in those emotional moments when Ross and Rachel broke up or when Cavemen aired its final episode.

9. In a little while - U2
-It's a beautiful song; even though Bono is a giant douche.

10. All I Know - Art Garfunkel
-Arguably the lesser half of Simon and Garfunkel spun out a massive hit with this one that just so happens to have been played on the final episode of season 2 of Nip/Tuck right as the carver slashes up Christian. My eyes well up with liquid gunpowder-based fluid everytime I hear this song.

Since I only budgeted room for ten selections, eleventh place Pimp Juice - Nelly - will have to wait until my next bout of self-pity.

Lights, camera, Utah!

Well, yours truly Johnny Utah made his TV debut today. Unfortunately it was as counsel to a man who just got a decade of prison. The charge? Being hispanic in a white county. Motherfucking Judge jumped the recommendations of two PSI's by seven years and the State by three. It was an honest to God disgrace...all the Judge and prosecutor could do was talk about how "he had no right to be on American roads." Nevermind the fact that the "good samaritan" he ran over was himself trying to cover up the OWI accident of his son, who happened to have a blood alcohol level twice that of my client. Nevermind the fact that my client has never had so much as a parking ticket in his life and was the goddamn citizen of the year for his kindness and generosity. Nevermind the fact that the "victim" set up a scene so reckless that the State Trooper accident investigator said it was "so reckless, any driver, intoxicated or not could have been involved." Nope, he got a sentence harsher than an OWI drag racer who killed three people and much harsher than the Clerk of Court's son who killed one and had a BAC of .4 (he got a year of jail).

It's days like this where I lose faith in the legal system and myself. I had the fate of a good man in my hands and in one way or another I failed him. Now his family is without a provider and the community as a whole is poorer. But the Judge will win another election amid media heat that he's soft on drunk drivers and "illegals." I almost got punched in the face for my honest yet insensitive comments to the "victim's" family in the parking lot, but I feel better at this point. The loyalty to my client is cemented for one reason or another and for some sickening reason I feel good about emotionally scarring those bastards and their righteous indignation. Lucky they caught me on camera before the incident...my hair was a little messed up afterwards.

Still, I looked damn good on camera.

I have a way with children

I've long held the belief that children are little more than retarded dogs. With dogs, you can train them where to shit in a matter of weeks, keep them quiet with a single glare, feed them once a day and in return, they'll galdly be a playful companion, fetch your paper and maim your homeless. Not so with children.

My complex is swarming with all sorts of kids, many of them well under five years old. Since I live in an apartment with poor/cheap people (the latter being me), the majority of the children belong to the indigent. It's a commonly known fact that poor people are among the most fertile beings on the planet and shoot out more kids than they have room for. Thus, once they become mobile, the children are turned loose into the parking lot, streets, hallways and my balcony to run unsupervised so the primary living unit has more room for birthing the next batch of bastards.

I've come pretty close to accidentally murdering several of these children as they dart about the parking lot, circling vehicles on their bikes like a manatee circling a cruise ship hoping to get hit for liability reasons. Not too long ago i told one particularly corpulant birthing machine that she ought to do some fucking parenting before her daughter got her face plastered across my tires. She threatened to call the police. I later spied the same kid on my balcony spreading the burnt charcoal from my grill all over the deck.

So when I pulled into my parking space and the same three year old kid jumped unsupervised directly in front of my car, I had had enough. Shaking off the sudden surge of adrenalien and half bladder of urine that escaped in the near-manslaughter event, I got out and yelled at the kid to stay out of the parking lot. She looked at me and said "you're not the boss of me," stuck out her tongue, and resumed drawing trees with chalk in my parking stall. Now normally, I would be happy to chop off the tongue of this insolent brat and leave it for a wild boar. However, I just so happened to have some gruesome photos from an OWI homicide in my briefcase. Like that Chinaman in Tiennemen Square, the toddler refused to move from my spot and continued to play with chalk so that I couldn't get my car all the way in. I cautiously displayed a photo of a crushed man who had been killed six different ways by a car. Needless to say, it wasn't all that pleasing to the toddler to see the headless torso on the side of the road. I sent her off with the admonishment never to sit in my parking spot again.

I'm not completely sure that I'm going to hell yet, so maybe I should open up a tough-love daycare center in my building. Of course, I'd have to accept payment in the only commodity poor mothers have to offer: placenta. At this point, I'll have to pass.