Another store I may not be welcome at

Old Lady at Wal-Mart checkout: "Cough, Cough, hack, phlegm" [all over Mr. Utah's groceries on the conveyor belt]

Mr Utah: [presumably under his breath] "Mind not coughing the swine flu all over my fucking food?"

*All parties turn to stare at Mr. Utah immediately after said remark*

Unbelievable

Loving v. Virginia came down more than forty years ago. God bless the South for always giving me a reason to feel righteously indignant.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

Lou Holtz: Dementia in Action

Lou Holtz: But when you're fighting for a national championship, every second counts. (Referring to Notre Dame Football)

Mark May: "Fighting for a national championship?" They haven't even played a team with a winning record yet. The best defense they have gone up against was ranked 72.

Lou Holtz: Why can't you just be unbiased about Notre Dame, like I am.

Editors note: Nice to see someone filling Madden's stupid shoes.

On a fucking stairmaster.

Today I recieved some depressing news. The corporation counsel whom I'd gone back and forth with over the past two and a half years died in his sleep. He was a year away from retirement. I know this because he told me the day before.

It's always such a shock to hear about the sudden death of someone you see every week, especially when that person was healthy and relatively young. In hindsight, the suddenness of it all makes things seem pointless-that someone could spend his whole life working and then die too soon in an entirely ordinary way. In season three of the wire, Jimmy McNulty heard about the death of Detective Ray Cole after collapsing on a stairmaster. All McNulty could say was "On a fucking stairmaster."

I never really understood that scene until today. Life is unpredictable, and being a good person doesn't prevent death from keeling you over way too young. All of the things you put off will never get done. You look at the lives of these people and wonder if they were happy, hoping the answer is yes.

I'm sad to hear that he's gone, but glad that I have the opportunity to evaluate my own life. I think we all need these wake up calls now and again to realize that life doesn't care about how much we want things. If we don't get it done in time, it won't happen. Most people live their lives without living at all. I'm thankful that my last lesson from this man (He pwned me in the courtroom several times) is such an important one.

Bruce Willis?

I've made this analogy before plenty of times, but it's time to vent about it in public. Bruce Willis played the male lead in arguably the better of the two mid-90's comet movies: Armageddon. He was a badass driller rocking the chrome dome. Ladies? But despite all of his marketable qualities, he found himself alone throughout the movie.

Ben Affleck, in his normal routine of douchebaggery, fell in love with Bruce Willis' bangin hot daughter and failed to succumb to Bruce's shotgun. Long story short, Bruce and Affleck found themselves out in space on an asteroid with Steve Buscemi. The goal was to drill a hole to the middle, throw a nuclear bomb down the middle, and blow it to pieces, saving Earth in the process.

So in the movie's pivotal moment, the crew discovered that the remote control used to detonate the nuclear bomb had malfunctioned. They had to draw straws to determine who would sacrifice himself to blow up the asteroid while the rest escaped unscathed. Ben Affleck drew the short straw, but alas, Bruce realized how much Affleck loved his daughter and chose to sacrifice himself instead. You know, because he was alone and didn't have hair.

If my world were Armageddon, I'm pretty sure I'd fall into the Bruce Willis role. Assuming you all don't want my cosmic cockslap to be the last thing you all see raining down from the death asteroid, I want you to all vow right now to name a bunch of schools and/or Qdobas after me in the event of my martyrdom. No promises to save France.