Am I overreacting?

I called in sick to work after I woke up with a hangover without having had a drop to drink. After a day of feeling tremendously shitty I'm finally holding a little Powerade down. The next time I'm going to get whatever jailhouse virus is floating around, I hope it gives me some warning so I can go out and get hammered first. Afterall, if you're going to wake up with a hangover, you might as well get the advantage of being drunk first.

Physical illness aside, I'm here to mope about something else. For those of you not in the know, I thought that I had snagged myself a good catch in the BRF. She has no kids, no felony record, and no hilarious physical deformities. Out here, that's what we call a "keeper." Anyways, after a few stumbles (aka calling Matthew Mcconaughey a "badass" within minutes of meeting her), the fact that she continued accepting invitations to go out led me to believe that i was in the clear. But it appears God quoted Lee Corso when he said "Not so fast, my friend."

So as of last week, I got an abrupt call canceling our plans to go out. Apparently something had come up. That was a perfectly reasonable explanation, and one I accepted without question. However, when I suggested that we get together later, I recieved an email stating that "I can't, I've become REALLY busy for the next few months." The email also indicated her phone wasn't working. A phone call seeking clarification has not been returned.

Now, I know when I'm getting the brush-off. I do it all the time to people. "Sorry, I have a big trial." "I'm actually going to be busy helping orphans." And of course, my favorite: "Well, I'd love to, but I have to trek to Mordor to destroy the one true ring before it falls into the hands of the dark lord Sauron, you understand." However, at this point, I think I at least deserve an honest response. I find it awfully hard to believe that someone can become so immediately busy that contact will be impossible in the next three months. More difficult yet is the simultaneous failure of her telephone. I've run plenty of mental cross examinations on this ridiculous possibility over the past few days. The bottom line is: if she doesn't like me, she should let me know, rather than making me ponder whether this really IS a huge coincidence, which would effectively make me the asshole. The form of the notice really doesn't matter...whether it's telling me to fuck off, moving to Afghanistan, or threatening to push a teacup through my chest, Chronicles of Riddick style. It's the message that counts.

Next post: Why women hate Johnny Utah and prefer him to die alone in an Afghani homeless shelter.

UPDATE: It turns out that I am, in fact, the asshole in this scenario.

Goodbye, sweet TRL

After ten years, MTV is pulling the plug on its own lifeless Terry Schiavo: Total Request Live, or TRL for those of you still down with the Hip-Hip lingo. Many of you remember the show that gave man-birth to mega-douche Carson Daly and featured the novel concept of a musical countdown punctuated by visits from popular artists and way too many commercials for any generation prior to X.

So what does this mean for America? More music on music television? The end of the Justin Timberlake era? Road Rules v. American Gladiators? Only time will tell. Until then, I'd like to sign off with some lyris that have sheparded me through the toughest of times, that I never would have known but for TRL:

"I did it all for the nookie, the nookie, the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your [crowd] aaaaa, stick it up your [crowd] aaaa, stick it up your [crowd] aaaa, stick it up your...[reprise]"

Godspeed.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/tv_total_request_live

Now I Really Need a Beer

A little while back I represented this 18 year-old girl in a minor criminal damage case. I got her a pretty good deal and thought I'd never see her again. Her boyfriend at the time, a guy older than me (who probably had drugs in his system older than me) was barred from contacting her as a condition of her probation.

So when I heard that she had been revoked from probation for smoking THC and Meth while pregnant, I had to figure that he must have been involved. So artfully, I asked her "Is he the father?" To which she responded, "Oh no, I would have had an abortion if that was the case!" Breathing a sigh of relief, I went to look at my notes for sentencing. Then she added "You remember my cousin from my case? He's the dad."

I didn't know whether to laugh gregariously or vomit gregariously. Nevertheless, it may be time to move out of rural Wisconsin.

Fuck justice. And kangaroos.

I think I posted awhile back on my client who was pulled over for having a license plate lamp that was too bright. Or maybe I just drunkenly talked about it. To myself. Anyways, at the last hearing the police officer behind this masterful stop didn't show at the last hearing and I moved for a warrant. After the judge and prosecutor basically called me an asshole in open court, a $150.00 warrant was issued for her appearance in court today.

I went into court with alot of pride, because the new female police officer who so cavalierly told the Clerk of Court that she didn't appear because "she sleeps during the day," had actually been hauled into jail by her chief and forced to post $150.00. However, she returned with a vengeance to my suppression motion hearing.

In one of my counties, there is no real rule of law. The judge spent a career drafting contracts and purchase agreements for a major furniture corporation (It rhymes with "trashley") and has no idea what the hell he's doing when it comes to criminal law. So naturally, he just listens to the State every time. So today, he began the hearing by asking if I filed a motion, then indicated to everyone that he hadn't read it. My entire case was based on a wonderful squad recording that happened to show the stop was complete horseshit covered in dogshit and sprinkled with tiny pellets of liceshit.

But alas, the local cop had an answer to my unreasonable attack. It turns out the squad video showed everything accurately EXCEPT for the license plate lamps, which was too dim for detection. The Judge, who is also a fan of hot women with large breasts said "well, I agree that the recording doesn't show a violation, but the Court is forced to accept the testimony of our local law enforcement." The officer finished off her performance by telling me my question was irrelevant and she would not answer. Staring at her titties, the Judge agreed and sustained an objection from the witness. And just like that, an OWI-3rd, dime bag, and a whole bunch of bail jumpings are suddenly admissible.

Oh, and when I referred to the violation as a "magical problem only the officer could see," I got threatened with thirty days of jail. Suffice it to say, it's on.

Wow

So today I saw a Judge badger a new probation agent until she literally cried in open court simply because he was irritated at a shortened lunch. Then she sat in the courtroom for like five minutes and continued crying during sentencing. She left amid the comforting arms of the female clerk and court reporter.

Every male left in the room erupted in laughter.