Bruce Willis?

I've made this analogy before plenty of times, but it's time to vent about it in public. Bruce Willis played the male lead in arguably the better of the two mid-90's comet movies: Armageddon. He was a badass driller rocking the chrome dome. Ladies? But despite all of his marketable qualities, he found himself alone throughout the movie.

Ben Affleck, in his normal routine of douchebaggery, fell in love with Bruce Willis' bangin hot daughter and failed to succumb to Bruce's shotgun. Long story short, Bruce and Affleck found themselves out in space on an asteroid with Steve Buscemi. The goal was to drill a hole to the middle, throw a nuclear bomb down the middle, and blow it to pieces, saving Earth in the process.

So in the movie's pivotal moment, the crew discovered that the remote control used to detonate the nuclear bomb had malfunctioned. They had to draw straws to determine who would sacrifice himself to blow up the asteroid while the rest escaped unscathed. Ben Affleck drew the short straw, but alas, Bruce realized how much Affleck loved his daughter and chose to sacrifice himself instead. You know, because he was alone and didn't have hair.

If my world were Armageddon, I'm pretty sure I'd fall into the Bruce Willis role. Assuming you all don't want my cosmic cockslap to be the last thing you all see raining down from the death asteroid, I want you to all vow right now to name a bunch of schools and/or Qdobas after me in the event of my martyrdom. No promises to save France.