Awkward Experience in Truth in Sentencing
So yesterday I joined my family to celebrate my brother's graduation and mother's day. After an extraordinarily long morning of graduation festivities (for which I had to wake up at 6 a.m.!), we decided to have a late lunch at Perkins.
At Perkins, there was a ten minute wait, and who should come in right behind me, but Professor Mary Prosser and her two kids. Now, Professor Prosser has never liked me, and it probably has something to do with me being a smartass in her class (in response to numerous big chief-related remarks that progressively became the stupidest things I had ever heard), or the time I loudly declared her to be a "huge bitch", and didn't realize she was standing right next to me. But that's not the point. I gave her the obligatory head nod, and then had to sit there ten minutes while waiting to be seated. Wow, talk about awkward.
I guess I learned a valuable lesson: Never say anything bad about another person unless you want ten minutes of awkward silence later in life. Wait, who am I kidding? I actually didn't learn any lesson at all. And even if I had committed an act worthy of punishment, Prosser wouldn't have sentenced me to more than ten minutes of probation in any case. So I guess my sentence is over with.
posted by Johnny Utah @ 1:27 PM
2 Comments:
Rather than standing and saying nothing, you could have said, in the most respectful tone possible, "So professor Prosser, since you strongly believe that murderers and child rapists should receive only a few months of probation at most for their crimes, does that mean if I take a large mallet and whack you in the face repeatedly without killing you, that you would have to write me a letter apologizing for being part of a society that drove me to commit such a violent act?" Then, before she can answer, whack her in the face repeatedly with a large mallet.
Excellent suggestion, Mr. Vice. However, I might point out that, by making those statements, you've contributed to a conspiracy to whack Prof. Prosser in the face repeatedly with a large mallet. This, of course, opens you up to criminal liability. Still, you're a good guy, and you'd probably pose more of a threat to society if you went to jail and became a hardened criminal. Surely, there must be a more reasonable, narrowly tailored solution. . .
Ah, yes. The court should order you to refrain from using the words "whack" and "mallet" on the internet for the next few days.
Good thing that's settled.
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