What the hell??

Okay, so I can understand it if the UW Law School dives into a tier-four shitter in terms of rankings, but how in the hell did the UW-Madison fall completely off the list of top twenty party schools!!??

Sounds like I need to pick up a six pack of Zima, grab my collection of Skee-Lo and revive the reputation of the once great party Titan.

When animals attack...Me

We all knew this day would come. Another animal has acted overly aggressive towards me. While I do my laundry, I like to walk on a little path that goes through the woods around the river. It's really quite scenic. Today, I saw a porcupine about twenty feet off the path. Since I don't appreciate nature interrupting my view of the river, I stared it right in the eyes, just like animals like. I figured the porcupine would appreciate the friendly gesture and move on. Not so.

The first thing I'll always remember about this little encounter is that porcupines can shriek. The motherfucker let out a gutteral wail and charged me with all of its speed. I sat there just an instant, totally stunned out of my mind that this was happening, then booked it for the playground. Witnesses said that the 'pine pursued me until the border of the park, then stopped...a distance of a hundred feet or so. I'm calling this one a draw.

A Question

So last night was one of those nights where I prayed for sleep and it wouldn't come. Then I prayed for an awesome fight between a sei-beached whale and a family of elephants. When that didn't come, I got up and flipped through late night/early morning TV.

Eventually I settled on the Michael J. Fox Classic: Teen Wolf. I've always connected with the central theme...Michael J. Fox is a teenager, and a werewolf. I think we can all get it: adolescence is difficult and we have to rectify the image we project with the person inside. Despite all the symbolism, I have but one question: How does being a werewolf make a person awesome at basketball?

Register This

It appears to be wedding season once more and I've been summoned to witness the union of friends and families and of course pay for doing so. Just moments ago, I was seconds away from drop kicking my computer through a black hole into another universe. The old adage of "early bird gets the worm" proved correct as all the frugally responsible registry items were well accounted for. It seems my old high school friend, whom I've never known to cook, is requesting an omelette pan that costs almost $400.00.

Clearly, that's not going to fly with me. I have a system that I apply to weddings, and it's one that I generally will not deviate from. I take the fair market value of the booze I anticipate drinking, and divide it by two. That's the price of the gifts the bride and groom will be receiving. Now, of course if I'm in the wedding and have to rent a tux, stay in a hotel, or buy drinks/lapdances at a bachelor party, I also subtract that value from the total gift price. So for the instant wedding, they owe me about $500.00. You throw in the billable time I'm going to lose just to slam beers and do the chicken dance over an extended weekend and we're looking at another fifteen thousand or so in accounts receivable.

Therefore, unless they make me an omelette that turns into a 52 inch HDTV, cabinet full of premium booze, and a Jessica Biel programmed to live on Johnny Utah semen, it's not happening. Thank God Burger King does giftcards. I only wish they came in denominations smaller than five dollars.

Something Badass I'd like to see

I just had this amazing dream. In it, a semi-beached whale was fighting a family of elephants. There was lightening all around. It was, in a single word, amazing.