Random thoughts to avoid Civ Pro II

I woke up this morning, made some coffee and turned on the TV. Friday the 13th part VII was on so I decided to watch. I know that they're not very good movies, and are certainly predictible, but I found myself yelling at the screen like I was watching a football game. RUN!!! Jason clearly only walks, so why the hell do the people slow down!? Another thing that irritated me was that this was part VII of a murderous rampage and people still found it necessary to go to Camp Crystal Lake for spring break. Okay...we have Miami, Cancun, California, and Camp Crystal Lake. Jason has come back to life six time already to murder drunk teenagers, but I'm sure it won't happen to us. The only way you'd get me out there would be with a dozen tanks, lots of guns, and a huge pack of dogs trained to patrol at set intervals around my cabin. Plus beer. It is afterall, spring break.

Some of the dogs that would constitute the anti-Jason patrol around my spring break cabin.

I turned on the news after the movie ended...let's see, deaths in Iraq, commentary on the missing climbers, and a huge story about some pageant winner who almost got stripped of her Miss USA crown after drinking underage. Only in America is that a big issue. Some good looking girl wins a crown for being hot and is expected solely to look hot for another year. Yet, people make a big deal out of underage drinking and demand that she be stripped of her crown for failing to be a role model. Granted, I'm not a parent, but I'm pretty sure that when I become one, I'm going to steer my kids away from making Miss USA their role model in any event. There's something to aspire to: looking good for a year while speaking out against illiteracy. I could do that (although I'd be speaking FOR illiteracy). In any event, Miss USA most certainly has more power than the United Nations.

I'm looking over the Civ Pro II practice exams, and the professor placed a disclaimer at the bottom of her exams, explaining that "ALL THE PEOPLE AND COMPANIES IN THIS EXAM ARE FICTIONAL AND BEAR NO RELATIONSHIP TO ANY PERSON OR CORPORATION, LIVING OR DEAD." So let's assume that I'm the corporate counsel for IBM, what would I do in an average day? Review some contracts, make sure our stock transactions are legal, and scour every single law school exam in America to make sure no Civ Pro II professors are committing trademark infringement. If I've learned anything about Federal Jurisdiction, it sounds like this prof just earned herself a one way trip to federal court.

Finally, in international news, it's come out that ten additional hotel workers were apparently exposed to radioactive material. My favorite quote on the AP, however, tried to sum up the controversy: "He [the victim] accused the Kremlin of assassinating him." Now I'm not a doctor, but something tells me it would be difficult to accuse someone of assassinating you after you were dead. This is all pretty weird stuff, and the evidence does point towards political assassination, (much like the Republicans did to Paul Wellstone) and I'm pretty surprised this isn't a bigger story. Personally, if I were Vladimir Putin, I would have used America's preferred method of assassination: Chuck Norris. I'll catch the whole story once they make it into a movie, starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Peter Stormare, and Billy Bob Thornton. I'm particularly interested in how the Russians blew up the meteor before it hit Earth.

If I was an astronaut...

So I generally follow the stories about space and shuttle missions pretty closely, mainly because I think it's interesting. While reading about the latest Discovery mission to the International Space Station (aka "AMERICA"), I finally figured out something I wouldn't like about being an astronaut. Apparently, every day Mission Control wakes the astronauts up by playing music over the shuttle's loudspeakers. Those astronauts have (1) no selection in the music, and (2) no way to hit the "snooze" button.

It would really piss me off to be forced to listen to something I didn't like in the morning. And when I get pissed/pumped, let's just say explosions happen. Although I'm pretty sure I would survive an explosion in space, and a reentry through the Earth's atmosphere, it's a certain fact that I would become even more irritated by the eight minutes or so it would take me to reenter the atmosphere without getting my coffee and bagel and have to take it out on the entire planet. However, I'm sure I would be considerably more irritated if Mission Control decided to beam up "Connie and Fish." Then, there would be no survivors, anywhere.

So it's revised: Instead of a billionaire kung-fu, NASCAR driving, elephant riding, wolf herding, babe mongering astronaut, I'll have to become something equally awesome. How about a lawyer? I only have one diploma privilege final left for that. There we have it, a homeless lawyer...all because Mission Control won't let me choose my own wakeup music.

We've Created a Monster...A Monster Douche

So before I went to law school, I read Scott Turow's 1L, and watched the Paper Chase. I certainly didn't like the all-night studying, fierce competition, and complete lack of lives portrayed in the popular rendition of 1Ls. However, I didn't aspire to become like the characters in these books/movies. Thankfully, the people and atmosphere at the law school have allowed me to have at least a quasi life, and have always encouraged "recreation" as a respite from law school.

I think I've finally found a law student, however, who is determined to conform fully to the norms in the Paper Chase and infect everyone around him. I'll call him by his latinized name: Doucheius. Doucheius lives at the law school and likes other people to know it. He washes his cruddy dishes into the men's room sinks and makes no apology as he clogs the sink. He carries a toothbrush and toothpaste with him to the fifth floor of the library because he is far too busy to wait and return home. The kicker was when Doucheius decided to change his clothing in the middle of the locker aisle, leading me to believe he actually does live here.

Now, those facts alone would be enough for me to dislike him. However, I heard him talking about his plan to pull 'another all nighter' because he needs to be in the top five percent of the class. When his fellow 1L asked why, he responded that if he didn't get a 1L summer associate position with [prominant large law firm] it would throw his entire career track and jeopardize his chances of making partner within seven years. Now, I routinely poke 1L's with pitchforks or cattle prods to see how much life they have left in them, but I felt like a clearly established pattern of douchebaggery needed a less subtle response. Let's see...Captain Planet is unavailable, the good Chuck would kill everyone in the universe, and I'm not a ninja yet...Like the Blizzard administrators in South Park, I have to wonder...how do you kill that which has no life?

I've got a bad feeling about this...

I went for a run tonight and got the oddest feeling...I was certain that I was being watched or followed and every instinct in my body said "SPRINT!" I sprinted my ass off until I hit the stoplights and civilization. There wasn't anything in particular that set that reaction off...every time I get the urge to run it's either nighttime or early in the morning, and I've never had this feeling in the dark before. It was just really weird because even though I had no reasonable suspicion that there was a serial killer waiting in the bushes to gut me, I had the distinct feeling that I had to get the hell out of there. One thing is for certain: if Ted Bundy, Osama, or some hippy had confronted me, I just saved HIS life because I was on full roundhouse kick alert mode.

In other news unrelated to my uncanny lion-like instincts (i.e. sleep, eat steak, growl), I'm madly preparing for my finals next week. The bad thing about not having early finals, is that it gives me every chance to procrastinate like I'll never be able to waste time again. Tonight, I'm going to do my best to transform the jumbled words of my public defender ethics paper into a seamless flowing masterpiece. I already have the title: "My Big Ethical Office." That will either get me a laugh or a penalty.

The O.C. may be kicking into high gear. This weeks episode was a redeemer, bringing back one of my all time favorite characters, Jimmy Cooper, and mixing things up when Ryan and Taylor fell off of a ladder and went into a coma to experience an episode roughly modeled after "It's a Wonderful Life." The one irritating point in the episode was when Taylor Townsend, her mother, and others kept hinting that she was "ugly." In real life, she's so ridiculously hot that I find it hard to believe she could exist in the natural world without some sort of barrier to protect us from her hotness. But in the O.C., I guess they have their own standards. However, the previews look poised to blow my freaking mind!! Pregancy tests...could be anyone, but whoever is knocked up is bound to produce an excellent storyline. The huge shocker though: Seth Cohen proposes to Summer (leading me to believe she is the knockee and Seth the knockor)! Stay tuned to find out!

Well I'm off to the 'brary early tomorrow (hopefully by noon), so I have to turn my attention back to solving the ethical problems of the public defender system.

Brilliant and Pathetic

Last night was the season finale of Nip/Tuck and I had some very high expectations. The kind of expectations that the entire world had of Bruce Willis in Armageddon to save the world. My hopes were quasi-fulfilled with the edgy and shocking ending, but overall, the execution of the whole episode felt staged and predictable (until the end).

Gallardo Is Dead

I guess it's no big surprise that they killed off one of my favorite characters, Escobar Gallardo. He made his first appearances in season 1, where he was a drug lord who forced the surgeons of McNamara/Troy to smuggle heroin in breast implants. He was sent to prison after Drs. McNamara and Troy gave him plastic surgery to make him look like the #1 most wanted person on the FBI's top ten list and sent to federal prison. Throughout season 2 and 3, he appeared as a vision to the increasingly schizophrenic Sean, then finally in season 4, broke out of prison for some more badass killing and initimidation. The way the episode flowed made it painfully obvious that Liz would try to kill Escobar, but then his wife would kill him instead. I was genuinely sad to see him go, because that character had class, depth, and an uncanny ability to be both a good and bad guy at the same time. Vaya con dios, Escobar.

Dues Ex Machina in the Relationship World

Liz left Papi without comment, Julia left Sean for New York, Matt and Kimber both acknowledge they don't love each other(although they both hate lord Xenu), Christian dumped his second fiance with no explanation, fight, or determination of what would happen to their kid. I really don't have a lot to say.

The Nip/Tuck Music Video

The near-end of the episode was a saddish-type song that featured most of the main characters singing along to it. When the scene ended, I was struck by the sensation that I had just watched the Forty year old Virgin again. This was a really weird, uncharacteristic, pointless, and incredibly tacky scene to insert into the final episode and i feel polluted having watched it. If I wanted to watch bad music videos, I'd turn on MTV.

Goodbye, Miami

After four years in Miami, the show took an incredibly shocking twist when both Dr. McNamara and Troy moved their practice to Hollywood. The producers of this show are either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid...next season will tell. Picking up and leaving all ties will probably mean leaving most of the supporting cast and recurring characters behind. Of note are anesthesiologist Liz Cruz, Nurse Linda, Kimber Henry, and Sean's (and Christian's) son Matt. Also missing will be the coloful recurring characters, like prominant AIDS-infectee Gina Russo, Julia McNamara, Erica Noughton, and any number of other recurring characters that could have been rotated back. My main concern is that if the plotlines become stagnant without the established stable of characters, the producers will have to do something really stupid: like bring back the Carver, or try to follow multiple lives around the country (the O.C. is having this problem right now). However, I have high hopes that the new season will be even better in Hollywood and will be anxiously awaiting season five!

SNAKES!

It's been awhile since I've thought about animals, so here we go: Snakes.

*Doesn't that guy kind of look like Jim Doyle?

FACTS:

1. Snakes are native to Russia, France, and the Planet Snakeion.

2. Snakes can devour entire rabbits, cats, and dingos, but cannot finish the three meat combo with a side of extra meat at Famous Dave's.

3. Snakes, by themselves, constitute "concerted activity" under section seven of the National Labor Relations Act.

4. If a snake swallowed a flashlight, it could hover above it's prey at night, turn on the flashlight from inside it's stomach and attack. When it becomes clear to the victim that he/she is facing imminent death, the snake could say "go to the light," then finish the person off. This prospect has been known to make Superman pee his pants.

5. Snakes came about when Chuck Norris started biting the legs off of lizards.

6. You might think that a snake's favorite movie would be Snake Eyes with Nicolas Cage, or Cobra, with Sylvester Stallone, but you'd be wrong. Snakes overwhelmingly prefer Arnold Schwartzenegger's "Junior."

"I am sick and tired of these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking plane!"

ANALYSIS:

As you can tell, snakes are kind of like a killing machine. Although they do not have thumbs, like most killing machines (i.e. Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, gorillas, George Stephanopoulos), their ability to hiss, bite, slither, and play World of Warcraft seems to be unmatched. I personally do not like snakes...it might go back to that time when I was 4 and saw a giant anaconda emerge from a lake and kill my teacher. Snakes are notorious for being enablers...You tell people you're done drinking, but then the snake slithers up beside you and says "I bought shots," and guilts you into drinking them. Compared to the animal kingdom, snakes are crap. No scientist has ever found a snake that was also a dog. There's a reason that people have forced the snakes to live underground and in Britney Spears' music videos. Am I wrong?

Politics

The votes are in and politics won out when Troy Smith was chosen to win the Heisman over John Stocco. It seems that my prophecy of Stocco winning the Heisman, the national championship, and then taking over for Favre at the Packers is not coming to fruition. Sadly, NCAA politics have robbed Stocco of his rightful place in Heisman history.

In other political news, I clicked on a news link today that said "study indicates more inmates on death row this year than in '05." The study "indicates?" It seems to me that all this study would have to do is COUNT the inmates on death row for each respective year. But then again, I'm not a scientist. Anytime the subject comes up I feel obliged to rant about what an ineffective, unjust, and sickening institution the death penalty is. I can't believe it's 2006 and governments still feel self-righteous enough to pass judgment on somebody's life. Not to mention juries get it wrong often enough to make the average person seriously question the adequacy of a verdict when dealing with something as permanent as death. Okay, rant over.

Finally, people on both sides of the aisle are bitching about NASA's plan to build a base on the moon. Personally, I don't mind the expense. Everything I hear about the environment nowadays seems to indicate we're trashing it at record rates. Not to mention we're running out of oil, raw materials, and Q-doba queso sauce. Eventually we're going to have to find our resources someplace else, or move to a completely different planet after we destroy Earth. Building a base on the moon seems like a logical first step to intergalactic travel. If anyone wants to take over a planet filled with little bear-like Ewok creatures, I'm down.

Random Observations

So after spending my afternoon on Civ Pro II, I came home to a well-deserved frozen pizza and 999 free channels. After last night's viewing of the Transporter II (which will be discussed, infra), I was in the mood for something a little more conventional and settled on Pulp Fiction. For the most part, I love Quentin Tarantino movies. They're violent, quirky, and outright absurd, but the guy can make his point in a way that nobody else can. However, I'm still not exactly sure what the hell Pulp Fiction is supposed to be about. I think the overriding theme is supposed to be the duality of man, good guys turning bad, bad guys turning good, etc. But I'm not exactly sure since Quentin Tarantino is either a hell of a lot smarter than me, or just really violent.

I feel the need to comment briefly on the Transporter II. Mainly, I have to find out where I can get an indestructible Audi, just like Jason Statham had in that movie. Seriously, it was shot hundreds of times, launched through a skyscraper, down about a hundred feet, and into another skyscraper, propelled through a giant explosion, and survived WITHOUT A SCRATCH. I also learned that you can survive a full-speed plane crash into the ocean (while you continue to fight), and can viably transport an antitode to a super potent virus in the human bloodstream. Also, for badass female assassins, apparently the best dress for combat is soaking wet in their underwear with a couple of machine pistols. Even by my standards, this movie was kind of a stretch.

Finals prep is relatively low-stress this semester. I don't actually start exams until the 18th, so I'm content with sleeping in and showing up at the library in the afternoon. I'll ramp up the studying as I get closer, but with only two "real" finals, I'm not feeling too stressed. I also have a couple of papers, but those should be pretty easily dispatched. So all in all, I'm just biding my time until I stage a coup in a small nation. Preferably someplace with a beach.

The state of my day

Bow down before me, for I am your King! After a six-hour marathon of outlining, I have condensed all of my knowledge on labor and employment law into 18 pages of reminders on what I don't remember/didn't read. I'd like to think of this as a significant achievement, since it's taken me weeks in past semesters to outline an entire class. Maybe I'm just that good.

I couldn't help but overhear several 1Ls talking about how panicked they were for exams, the job hunt, and class selections. I was tempted to emit a power guffaw in their general direction, but when they refused to limit their panicking to non-verbal commuication, like the aliens in Signs, I went downstairs to get something to eat. To my shock and amazement, the cost of a standard non-king sized Snickers bar is now 85 cents. I've been through professional responsibility twice, class with Kaplan and eaten Elegant Edibles bagles multiple times, so it's safe to say I've wasted enough money on this law school. I declined to buy the Snickers bar out of spite.

Yesterday, a group of friends and I were watching television and turned to a program about Osterich's (Osteri). I've tried valiently to find an opportunity to display my strength, intelligence, and skillz in the manner of the osterich, but chickened out. Also on TV, was a dog show in which a Bichon Frise won best in class. My dog was never that fluffy.

I'm delaying my departure because it's pretty cold outside. Granted, I grew up in Wisconsin and am accostumed to the winters by now (which I think are considerably milder than when I was younger). However, it always takes a couple of weeks to adjust to the shock and awe rained down by Jack Frost and I cringe at the thought of my contacts freezing to my eyeballs again.

Ridiculous

Let's punish the conferences with good teams. With a BCS ranking of 7, and an AP ranking of 6, Wisconsin is not going to a BCS game. Yet, we're going to have other "stellar" BCS matchups Wake Forest and Boise State, a national championship game with OSU and Florida (in which I thoroughly expect Florida to be destroyed), and NOTRE DAME against LSU in the Sugar Bowl.

I can understand the need to be objective in the computer polls and allow Florida to take away Michigan's opportunity to give all of the football fans what I am sure would have been a great game. However, it is absurd to give Notre Dame a BCS spot. Why's that Utah? Well, it's simple, it's because Notre Dame sucks ass. Notre Dame was crushed by Michigan and USC, both deserving of BCS spots, and barely avoided an embarassing loss to Michigan State. The remainder of their wins included teams such as Army, Air Force, Navy, UCLA, and Purdue. Hardly an impressive winning streak. Furthermore, Notre Dame lost to Michigan for a greater number of points than Wisconsin did at the Big House. Finally, anybody with a television can tell that Notre Dame just plain sucks.

So because the Big Ten is an amazing conference this year, Wisconsin does not go to a BCS bowl with a one-loss season, yet Notre Dame is well-prepped to be thoroughly embarassed by LSU in the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans. Ridiculous. So in sum, Notre Dame sucks, Wisconsin rules. Also, Boise State sucks.

Even though I hate both OSU and Michigan, let's go UCLA! All Big Ten Championship game!