Upcoming Badassedry

Amidst the hopeless disorganization of my sentencing paper, I've decided to take a break and comment on the upcoming badassedry that will be spring break. First, I'd recommend sychronizing your soundtrack to mine, in order to get in the proper mental state. Locate and play loudly George Harrison's I got my Mind Set on You.

Is it on? Good. On Saturday, I'll be returning to Florida with a group of my best friends and planning on a relaxing week of drinking beer, sitting on the beach, flexing my guns, playing beach football Point Break style, discussing how much I hate law school (But on the BEACH!), chasing beach cats, eating seafood, and conquering tsunami-sized waves. Oh, did I mention, I'll be hanging out at our own freaking private pool!!!

Although I enjoyed and felt a true sense of accomplishment after our 27 hour drive to Miami last year, I'm infinitely relieved to be cutting that trip to a three hour plane ride. I hate flying, but I'm willing to risk battling the motherfucking snakes on a plane in order to cut out two full days of travel time. Plus I think my life is about 300 times safer without Mr. Vice behind the wheel.

In a sense, this is my last true hurrah before heading off into the real world, fighting injustice and bears. I anticipate alot of memories being forged in the fires of Mount Doom, I mean Florida. And if I run into any man-thong wearing Russians this year, I'll know to immediately cast them into the ocean.

Short story long, I'm pumped.

Bark (I'm going to do the Heimlich on you now)

I saw this story and had to post the link immediately because it stands for everything good in life: Intelligent dogs.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/heimlich_hound

Mangy, P.I.

I love the show Magnum, P.I. For the most part, I think this stems from the fact that I'd really like to have Thomas Magnum's life. Think about it...free mansion in Hawaii, free Ferrari, unlimited babes, free drinks at Rick's club, and all kinds of shenanigans with TC, Rick, and Higgins. But now, homeless people are trying to take the sweet life in Hawaii.

An eccentric Japanese billionaire decided to give eight of his mansions to homeless families for ten years, rent free. These families were even given a thousand bucks to move their limited to nonexistent belongings from the cardboard box to the five million dollar-plus estates. The benefactor claims that this is a much more effective solution to homelessness than "handing out wads of cash." I disagree. If the billionaire had donated the rental income from the mansions to a worthwhile, organized charity, it could have funded shelters, educational programs, and resources to transition the homeless to real life. Instead, ten rent-free years in a mansion will only give these familie unrealistic expectations, teach them nothing about saving, and allow all of their homeless homies to run roughshod over the neighborhood. Not to mention, if I lived next door, I would throw a NIMBY shitfit.

Maybe I come off sounding like a bit of an elitist in this post, but I cling to the belief that you have to earn something to deserve it. I'm convinved that I would have done alot more good with the mansion had it been donated to me for ten years. How did I earn it? Uh, I owe you no explanation, but trust me dudes, I deserve it.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070323/ap_on_re_us/homeless_mansions

Bands I Like that Everyone Else Thinks Suck

I take alot of crap for the music I listen to...and the movies I like...and for being an asshole. Although I feel no need to justify my musical tastes, I have nothing else to write about at the moment. Unless someone wants to discuss the Economic Loss Doctrine.

Maroon 5

Songs About Jane, in my opinion, is one of the best albums ever created. The songs are much more than catchy, they capture emotion perfectly, which I feel is a very rare thing. For anyone who has ever played an instrument, sang in a choir, or studied the intricacies of music, you can instantly appreciate the complexity and degree of talent it takes to perform these songs. All naysayers can fuck themselves.

Five for Fighting

There must be something about the word "five" that combines with a band name to form awesome music. I admit, I was skeptical of this band the first time I saw them. They came my junior year of college, amidst a protest. It turns out that the student body narrowly elected to bring them in instead of Korn. However, live, Five for Fighting is amazing, the falsetto works incredibly well, and I think it's beautifully performed.

Nickelback

I'm not alone on this one. Nickelback is an all out good band, and I catch myself singing along to any number of their songs on the radio. Of the limited music videos I happen to catch while flipping from Survivorman to [Nic Cage movie], Nickelbacks' actually make sense, and work well with the song.

Starship

How the hell this band ever ranked as Rolling Stone's "Worst Band Ever" is beyond me. Granted, I only know the one song: We Built this City, but that song in and of itself makes my hundred greatest songs.

The Killers

I recently learned that some people I considered to be my friends don't like The Killers. I admit, I first grew to love this band because they were frequently featured on The O.C. However, the love is more than skin deep, as I've found myself enjoying everything I hear from them.

Kevin Federline

I'm just throwing that in there to see if people are still reading. Popozao was the worst song-no, compilation of noise, I have ever heard. If Britney Spears were running for office, I would not agree with her "no longer looking hot" policy, but completely agree with her K-Fed killing policy.

The Year in Review

"Surf Shop Kid: That's cool, alot of guys your age are learning to surf.

Utah: I'm 25."

Tomorrow (Monday) will be the 26th anniversary of when I roundhouse kicked my way out of the womb, and as always, I'm going to take a little time to reflect on the last year of life. First, however, are current events.

Last night was the Law Revue show, which I thought was pretty funny pre-show, but didn't get a great reception from the crowd. It's great when people are a little drunk for these things, because the lame jokes get funnier, but I think there were too many people out there with ALOT of alcohol in the system, and the result was a bunch of annoying assholes that wouldn't shut up during the dialogue. Overall though, I enjoyed myself, and I'm glad I got to hang out with a great group of people over the past couple of months. And now I know for sure that it's too early to start making fun of Steve Avery.

Anyways, here are some of the highlights from year 25:

-Going to Miami for spring break, staying in the Monaco, chasing beach cats, and getting all you can eat Filet Mignon, crab legs, and sushi for 15 bucks.

-Seeing Stocco at least five times in Madison.

-Watching Jerry Maguire three times last easter.

-Law revue this year and last.

-Figuring out what I should be doing with my life.

-Conniving fifteen thousand imaginary dollars from Ismael in a negotiations exercise.

-Alot of horribly inappropriate remarks that weren't funny at the time, but I can laugh about now...yet probably never say out loud again.

Life's a journey and I have a good feeling about the paths year 26 will take me on. By far, the hardest part of the coming year will be saying goodbye to the people I've met over the past three years. Despite all the people I can't stand in this school, there are some really great people that I know I'll miss tremendously, and mentally I think I'm already distancing myself in order to make the departure a little easier. However, in the spirit of Point Break Awareness Week, I feel that it would be appropriate to quote Bodhi: "Hey Utah, see you in the next life!"

Autopilot is ON

From this point forward, I'm only going to go to class when I feel like it, I'm going to drink all the time (out of joy), and I sure as shit am not going to be doing any reading. Today my future was decided when my future employer asked me to make a "yes or no decision and accept or decline." I'll be sad to leave Madison, but I think this will work out and in the long run, I think I'll be migrating back to claim my season football tickets.

And if you thought I forgot about Point Break, think again.

Pappas: [Pointing a gun at Warchild] "Speak into the microphone, squidbrain!"

Point Break Awareness Week Quote #2

Continuing the spirit of Point Break Awareness Week, here is another quote for you all to ponder.

"Harp: Do you think that taxpayers would like it Utah, if they knew that they were paying a federal agent to surf and pick up girls?

Johnny Utah: Babes.

Harp: I beg your pardon?

Johnny Utah: The correct term is Babes, sir."

Point Break Awareness Week

I was recently perusing Mr. Vice's blog, when I came upon an entry on Eragon, which made a comparison to Point Break. Although he had good intentions, Mr. Vice erroneously proclaimed that Bodhi would have been dissatisfied with surfing smaller waves. This is a blatantly false statement and brought on by Wisconsin's ignorance of Point Break culture. So per request of the Magnificent Seven of Point Break, I will bring you a moderated forum on Point Break.

Your panel members are:

Johnny Utah: Mr. Utah grew up in a Point Break culture, where he interacted with Angelo Pappas, Bodhi, Tyler Ann Endcott, and Ben Harp. Special Agent Utah left briefly to pursue his undergraduate studies at Ohio State University, where he started as Quarterback and had a promising NFL career until he broke his knee. With no football career, Utah went to law school and became one of the top FBI agents in the Los Angeles Bank Robbery Unit. Throughout his career, Utah has attended forums worldwide on surfing, shooting guys, picking up rebellious surfer chicks, and botany. Mr. Utah holds Ph.D.s in badassedry and Point Break culture.

That's all of the panel members. Tonight, we feature a true quote that accurately portrays the attitude of the Point Break society towards the Man.

"Ben Harp: You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum, I know. What I don't know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?

Johnny Utah: [quietly] Not so far."

Feel free to weigh in on the magnificent and diverse culture that is Point Break all week. Moderators will be standing by.

The Next Generation of Idiots

A Finnish member of Parliament is translating his campaign website into Klingon in the hopes that it will attract a new spectrum of voters. Yes, you heard right, Klingon. If this is a legitimate campaign strategy and there really are enough people in Finland who can read Klingon to make the translation worthwhile, we may as well invade right now with ten of our soldiers and just take their whole country over. I know that the Klingon were supposed to be a badass race in Star Trek, but in this star system, people who watch the show with enough regularity to become fluent in a fictional language probably haven't gone outside in fifteen years.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070309/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_finland_klingon

It's not easy to be me [with melody]

I readily admit that I have very little going for me...no job, no future, no woman, no money, no respect in the community, no elephant; I'm sicker than hell, pissed off, and I have to miss the Essen Haus Bar review. However, once in a while God blesses you with something so magnificent, that you know it has to be a sign of better times to come. Behold:

For those that didn't immediately recognize the gentleman on the right, that's John Ondrasik, the lead singer of Five for Fighting. And he's wearing the shirt of my Alma Mater while representing the United States in Iraq. I saw Five for Fighting at Gustavus and that's probably when he got the shirt. The degree of separation here is like two people. I know things are going to turn around from this point on. Thanks to RPM for the photo.

"I'm 25 for a moment..."

One Year of Utah

Today marks the one-year anniversary of Utah, Get Me Two. Over the past year I've brought you inane babbling on culture, law school, roommates, life, dogs, and disclosed the little-known secret that bears have a very high tax basis in all of their property. Rather than do a recap of the past year, I have instead another short, unrelated remark.

The movie Wild Hogs topped the box office this weekend with over 38 million in ticket sales. This still begs the question: What is William H. Macy doing involved with this!!?? He's a reputable actor! I mean, I can understand Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen, and even John Travolta (although his reputable work includes Face Off and Broken Arrow). I can only attribute the success of something that looked this bad in the previews to the affiliation of another motorcycle-based movie: Ghost Rider. Only there, they had the support of the great Nic Cage.

The State of the Weekend

I was initially overjoyed at the news that my roommate would be gone from Friday through Monday. That meant that I could have the radio on as loud as I want, walk around naked, and not have to listen to his commentary on how I could better my life. His absence however resulted in a giant overflowing sink of rotting dishes, which I'm going to have to do in order to avoid the sensation of imminent vomiting every time I walk past. I've done the dishes literally the last eight times, and he always makes the excuse that he's busy preparing for work or planning his wedding, etc. And like a chump, I do the dishes. Not this time. He promised to do them by Wednesday. That rotting corpus of filth will be waiting for him upon his return and there is no way I'm backing down.

The weekend was not as relaxing as a weekend should be. I'm consumed with the job search and interviewing really takes alot out of me...it's like acting, only not fun. Plus, it looks like my prospects are alot bleaker than I would like and it's depressing to dress up, put on a smile and sit through a couple of hours with a firm you know you wouldn't really be happy with. I'm naturally prone to being a dreamer, and my sense of perfection has been enhanced by growing up in the "everybody's perfect" atmosphere America indoctrinates kids with. So I guess I'm still just hoping that the perfect life will come along and I'll be able to recognize it when it does. Maybe that's just an excuse for a lifestyle of crippling indecision, but I'm sticking with the belief that everyone is meant for something, someone, and somewhere. The somehow requires knowing what the dream was to begin with and being able to latch on.

Yesterday my sister called me with the news that my family was on their way to Madison (while en route to Missouri) and wanted to get together with my brother and I for dinner. Although it's nice to see the family, it's infinitely irritating to get a call hours before they arrive on a weekend and be expected to drop what I was doing to go see them. They brought my dog though, and it was worth the time for the moment of exhilerated joy she displayed when I walked unexpectedly through the door. That's why I love dogs more than any other animal: No matter what you're doing in life, how long you've been gone, or how bad you feel, they'll love you unconditionally. I needed that moment this weekend.

Anyways, I'm off to get some sleep. The coming week should prove just as arduous and I'll need my strength to make it through without going bonkers.