And guns shall set you free!

Polk County, WI:

GUNS ARE GOOD. At least the Court agreed with me when it bought my Second Amendment argument that we have the right to defend our homes and dogs with concealed weapons. There's now one more gun on the streets, and the world is a little bit safer, thanks to me. I can't believe that after all the time I spent thinking about bear arms, I'm finally seeing practical results.

On an earlier date, the Judge was introducing my supervising attorney and myself to the jury and told them that I am FROM Madison. I may as well have stood up and said "I'm from New York, go ACLU!" If we hadn't have gotten a mistrial earlier in the evening (Which is one wildly bizarre story I will tell another time), I would have moved for one on the grounds of improperly prejudicing the jury. I bitched at the judge for it later, but she didn't seem to get it. For those of you unfamiliar with Polk County, picture a redneck-ridden shanty and surround it with fifty bars. Not metal bars...but bars filled with Pabst Blue Ribbon. So basically the greatest place on earth. But not a great place to be "from" Madison. One farmer had something smartass to say about it and I roundhoused him in the temple. Then I roundhoused his cows for the aggravation he caused me. Then I roundhoused myself and things went black. Then I woke up here. The end.

The Masterpiece is Complete

Last night I caught up with the latest Vin Diesel movie: Find Me Guilty. I have to say, I understand all of the Oscar buzz that is likely coming out of Hollywood circles. I have now seen every Vin Diesel movie made. Find Me Guilty was far different from his normal masterpieces, like xXx or the Fast and the Furious. In fact, Vin only punches one person in this movie! And he has hair. Regardless of the differences, I was very entertained by this movie. Before, I only had Vin to look up to as a role model for killing people with a teacup, or parachuting off of a Corvette I just launched off of a bridge. But now, I have someoen to look up to as a lawyer.

I didn't believe it until I saw it

Well the local folk have just one-upped my previous outrages. They have managed to charge a SIX YEAR OLD with disorderly conduct for yelling, screaming, and jumping on a table. I sometimes wonder if the prosecutors actually read the charges before they are issued. One thing is for certain, this kindergartener will be the most dangerous mind in the group.

God Damnit

So apparently I'm a huge conformist, but you people got me thinking about movies. So here they are, 11 quotes from 11 of the greatest movies ever made.

1. "Speak into the microphone, squidbrain!"
-Angelo Pappas (Gary Busey) in Point Break. Identified by Mr. Vice

2. "#1 She was smiling at what an asshole you are. #2 She was smiling at how money I am, baby."
-Trent (Vince Vaughn) in Swingers. Identified by Lness

3. "Oh, don't worry guys it's okay, he just wanted his machete back."

4. "You're all a bunch of slack jawed faggots...this stuff will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus. Just like me."
-Blain (Governor Jesse Ventura) in Predator. Identified by Lness

5. "Go away, monkey."
-Beck (The Rock) Identified by Vice.

6. "Dominic, get down!"
-Detective John Kimble (Arnold Schwarzenegger) Identified by Vice.

7. "It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning."
-Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) The Fast and the Furious. Identified by Vice.

8. "Bitches, come!"
-Yurgi, xXx. Identified by Vice.

9. "Boys, avenge me. AVENGE ME!!!!"

10. "That's a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full."
-Air Traffic Controller, Top Gun Identified by Lness.

11. "Roger. Terminate them. With extreme prejudice."
-Sarge (The Rock) Identified by Vice.

HINT:

#9 is a movie many of you have seen, because I made many of you watch it. It was the first PG-13 movie ever made.
#3 Is not a trilogy, it's a ten-ogy and set in space.

Life on the Westside

It's been a while since I've had the patience to battle with the dial up internet and update, so here it goes in no particular order:

I. Criminalizing the Noogie

I'd like to say that the title of this chapter is a joke, or even a play on words, but no, I saw with my own eyes, a prosecutor who effectively criminalized the noogie. The complaint charged a 17 year old kid with disorderly conduct for giving his younger cousin a noogie. Basically, all the family kids were left alone, and the little kid didn't like getting picked on, so he called the cops and the 17 year old spent a night in jail and paid a $250 forfeiture for "rubbing his knuckles on the victim's scalp." I wish to God that the kid had wanted to fight that, I would have loved to try this before a jury and be able to talk about wet willies, wedgies, and swirlies. To top it off, the prosecutor wanted to keep the kid in jail on cash bail! Talk about a fucking joke. The ADA took great offense though that we "mocked the criminal justice system and his charging decision" and basically screamed at my supervisor and I and threatened all kinds of ethical action. I've become much more of a smartass after that incident and I'm pretty sure the prosecutors all hate me. Whatever, it's my job to throw down.

II. The Continuing Saga of Me Versus Nature

So it appears that the rest of the forest is moving in to protect its raccoon brethren. I heard a loud noise in my back yard the other day, looked out my window, and saw a gigantic buck standing outside my house, apparently immediately after ramming the house. He was at least a ten-pointer and for a moment I wished I was a hunter...and it was hunting season. I panned right and there was a doe. This buck rolls with his bitches apparently. I panned further right and saw a family of rabbits eating in the garden. My next door neighbor allegedly spotted a black bear in his yard the other day. D-day is likely just around the corner and my back porch is Normandy. Fucking France.

III. Saving the Criminals, One at a Time

I really enjoy doing criminal defense. It's fascinating work with interesting facts, and ensures a plethora of court appearances in any given week. I'm a little dismayed though because I know that it is very difficult to get hired by the State Public Defender (they hired two people in the state last year), plus for the most part, the money sucks. I consolidated my student loans a couple weeks ago and am now pretty much resigned to the fact that I will have to take the highest-paying job I can find in order to pay off the massive amount of debt I have accumulated over three years. If not, I'm pretty certain the government will bring back the Charles Dickens-style debtors prisons and throw my ass in there for many, many years. And I'm not sure I have the connections that Darius Stone had in xXx: State of the Union, so you can count out any badass prison breaks.

IV. Fishing and Al Capone

This weekend, I went up to my cabin with my parents for some fishing. I was reluctantly convinced to tag along on an excursion to Al Capone's Wisconsin hideout. It turned out to be one of the lamest quasi-historical sites I have ever visited. I think I pissed off the tour guide pretty good when I pointed out that several of the "authentic" artifacts in the home were from the 1960's, well after Capone's arrest, and some after his death. I would have made a scene and demanded my money back after the ridiculous display the "hideout" put on, but instead, I got a hot dog.

V. Life Goes On

Life at home is getting to be a little monotonous. I love working with SPD, and that's what gets me out of bed in the morning. However, living at home is not without its downsides. I have nobody to talk to except my family and cell phone service sucks out here so I don't make a whole lot of phone calls. I haven't had a drink since leaving school. Not that it's a bad thing, I just miss the regular stupidity and interesting conversation spawned at the bar, the poker table, and those times Laurance convinces people to "pull the trigger" and have ten drinks to knock the edge off. I don't have cable TV, which ensures shitty reception and minimal programming (especially with the O.C. breaking for the summer). However, this definitely beats the company I was in last summer where the hippy roommate constantly berated me for drinking cheap beer, listening to 'modern' music, and fighting with her cats. Most of all, I miss being around friends. My high school friends are long gone and my two best friends from college moved far away this summer. Needless to say, all of the law schoolers are out becoming remarkably successful far from this part of the state. But what the hell, I'm learning alot, staying healthy (except possible war with animals, supra), and most importantly: saving money.