Hippy Attack!

Today marked a turning point in the war on hippies as they chose to fight back and invade my home. Hearing a knock on my front door, I assumed the neighbor was returning my key to the basement after blowing the fuses out. Not so. I was confronted by a dreadlocked hippy with a hemp leaf-emblazoned vest. Striking a defensive posture, I prepared to deliver a vicious roundhouse kick. But before I could attack, the hippy thrust a brochure for the Sierra club into view.

The hippy told me that if I didn't band with the Sierra club today and join their drum circle, President Bush and his allies would DESTROY the environment. I asked "how so?" He resopnded that global warming had reached dangerous levels and only the Democrats could save us...and they only listen to the Sierra Club. Initially, I was tempted to respond exactly like the redneck in South Park when told about global warming: "Yeah, well help youself to a fucking science book, because you're talking like a fucking retard." However, I properly chose to concentrate on expelling the waste of human life from my stairway landing.

Not only did the hippy attempt brainwashing techniques similar to those used in the Manchurian Candidate, but he had the nerve to ask me for money. Now, most people would agree with my self-description of "sensibly frugal," and if I refuse to pay extra for guacamole, this hippy sure as hell was not getting any of my hard-earned loan money. Nevertheless, he pressed, insisting that "five dollars could be the difference between a yes and no vote." Ignoring the fact that the statement was quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard, I prepared to beat back the hippy offensive once and for all.

I fried up some meat, fired up an SUV, left all of my lights on and sent out a hundred resumes to the man. Slowly, he began to lose strength and shrivel. I knew it was time to deliver the final blow, so I looked the hippy right in the eyes, and told him that no endangered lizard would stop me from building my house out of wood. He emitted a gutteral shriek and burst into flames before my eyes. The smoke from his corpse drifted harmlessly into the atmosphere and did nothing to contribute to global warming. I gave the neighbors a stern warning about locking the downstairs door.