SNAKES!

It's been awhile since I've thought about animals, so here we go: Snakes.

*Doesn't that guy kind of look like Jim Doyle?

FACTS:

1. Snakes are native to Russia, France, and the Planet Snakeion.

2. Snakes can devour entire rabbits, cats, and dingos, but cannot finish the three meat combo with a side of extra meat at Famous Dave's.

3. Snakes, by themselves, constitute "concerted activity" under section seven of the National Labor Relations Act.

4. If a snake swallowed a flashlight, it could hover above it's prey at night, turn on the flashlight from inside it's stomach and attack. When it becomes clear to the victim that he/she is facing imminent death, the snake could say "go to the light," then finish the person off. This prospect has been known to make Superman pee his pants.

5. Snakes came about when Chuck Norris started biting the legs off of lizards.

6. You might think that a snake's favorite movie would be Snake Eyes with Nicolas Cage, or Cobra, with Sylvester Stallone, but you'd be wrong. Snakes overwhelmingly prefer Arnold Schwartzenegger's "Junior."

"I am sick and tired of these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking plane!"

ANALYSIS:

As you can tell, snakes are kind of like a killing machine. Although they do not have thumbs, like most killing machines (i.e. Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris, gorillas, George Stephanopoulos), their ability to hiss, bite, slither, and play World of Warcraft seems to be unmatched. I personally do not like snakes...it might go back to that time when I was 4 and saw a giant anaconda emerge from a lake and kill my teacher. Snakes are notorious for being enablers...You tell people you're done drinking, but then the snake slithers up beside you and says "I bought shots," and guilts you into drinking them. Compared to the animal kingdom, snakes are crap. No scientist has ever found a snake that was also a dog. There's a reason that people have forced the snakes to live underground and in Britney Spears' music videos. Am I wrong?