We've Created a Monster...A Monster Douche

So before I went to law school, I read Scott Turow's 1L, and watched the Paper Chase. I certainly didn't like the all-night studying, fierce competition, and complete lack of lives portrayed in the popular rendition of 1Ls. However, I didn't aspire to become like the characters in these books/movies. Thankfully, the people and atmosphere at the law school have allowed me to have at least a quasi life, and have always encouraged "recreation" as a respite from law school.

I think I've finally found a law student, however, who is determined to conform fully to the norms in the Paper Chase and infect everyone around him. I'll call him by his latinized name: Doucheius. Doucheius lives at the law school and likes other people to know it. He washes his cruddy dishes into the men's room sinks and makes no apology as he clogs the sink. He carries a toothbrush and toothpaste with him to the fifth floor of the library because he is far too busy to wait and return home. The kicker was when Doucheius decided to change his clothing in the middle of the locker aisle, leading me to believe he actually does live here.

Now, those facts alone would be enough for me to dislike him. However, I heard him talking about his plan to pull 'another all nighter' because he needs to be in the top five percent of the class. When his fellow 1L asked why, he responded that if he didn't get a 1L summer associate position with [prominant large law firm] it would throw his entire career track and jeopardize his chances of making partner within seven years. Now, I routinely poke 1L's with pitchforks or cattle prods to see how much life they have left in them, but I felt like a clearly established pattern of douchebaggery needed a less subtle response. Let's see...Captain Planet is unavailable, the good Chuck would kill everyone in the universe, and I'm not a ninja yet...Like the Blizzard administrators in South Park, I have to wonder...how do you kill that which has no life?