Hippy Talk

"I just don't see how someone who still eats meat could call himself socially conscious."

-I just passed out from the enormous cloud of smug at the law school.

You're Fired, Fire!

Due to the fact that I haven't been grocery shopping in the approximately three and a half weeks I've been back, I decided to make one of my favorite "standby" dishes for lunch: tuna melt. I opted to forego the soggy taste of the microwave, and make the sandwhiches on the rotating pizza cooker thing we have in the kitchen.

Apparently, the pizza cooker was a bit hotter than normal today. I smelled something that resembled flaming bread and tuna, and upon turning around, saw flames erupting from my sandwhiches. After emitting a quasi-panicked yelp, I batted at the sandwhiches with an oven mitt and pushed them into a nearby garbage can. Relieved, I turned around to get another can of tuna for try #2 and smelled the same thing. It seems the sandwhiches ignited the garbage around them to form a new, oven mitt resistant "super fire."

I debated making a run for the fire extinguisher, but didn't want to pay for the recharging fee, so I opted to dump my nearby liquids on it instead. That fire got my Pepsi and most of the water from the half-empty glasses my roommate leaves strewn about the kitchen (much like the little girl in Signs). Being fully cognizant that most villians rise for a final attack after being subdued, I chose to leave the final conflagration confrontation for a stranger, and heaved the trash heap into a waiting garbage bin outside.

In the immortal words of Conan O'Brien's Arnold Schwartzenegger: "You're fired, fire!"

Ugh

In the past, I've had an undeserved reputation for only enjoying things that everyone else thinks suck. For example, A8 China, the O.C., Five for Fighting, etc. Regardless of the initial repulsion, I think I'm slowly gaining respect after people agree to order A8 and I find Maroon 5 on my friend's ipods. However, even I had to question my judgment this morning.

The song "Fergalicious" came on the radio and I talked myself into concluding that it was a good song. I promptly kicked myself in the throat for the blasphemy, but the damage has been done.

Now Hiring: Personal Decisionmaker

The day started well...until I logged in to check my grades and spent the remainder of my day pissed off at a certain professor's grade who I have too much tact to mention here (but will disclose if you ask me, or if I'm drunk). In fact, the very mention of it in my mind prompted a string of cursing in my empty room. Part of the outrage may come from my enormous sense of entitlement, but I remain convinced that in a course without testing, evaluation, or any indication of how we would be graded, I should have done pretty damn well with my perceived performance. Of course, I now know I should have ignored reality and done things that would have had me laughed out of "real" courts.

Moving on. I'm facing a number of small decisions that are becoming much more difficult than they should be. Those who know me well probably all agree that it takes me a long time to make decisions. I like to carefully weigh options, consider the risks, and then throw all of the analysis aside at the last moment and rely completely on instinct. However, I don't have enough time at the moment to go through my normal process of indecision, so I've decided to solicit reasonable, objective advice based on specific and articulable facts.

1. Do I drop my First Amendment course for a tidy 12 credit semester?

-It seems like an interesting topic, and I want to get my moneys worth out of the UW after they've stolen my soul and at least one of my kidneys (I take full responsibility for the liver damage). However, I'm also experiencing a severe bout of "senioritis" and I'd like to have time to concentrate on job searching, studying, and thinking about dogs. If I go much further, I'll have to start highlighting the books, and once that happens, I'm priced in.

2. Do I buy a separate set of tapes to capture the last five episodes of the O.C.?

-It's coming up, the end of the perfect world. After February 22nd, we're all being cast out of Eden into the hell known as Earth. Although this season has been largely...bad...I have a feeling that the producers will step it up in the final episodes, and I won't want to wait for syndication, or until I can afford the season four DVDs. Still, I don't want to risk capturing something that isn't fantastic, and since I'm technically inept, there is a real risk that the VCR won't record at all.

3. Do I switch my current hybrid style of poker play to a looser style, or will somebody raise me out of my seat?

-I've been debating a return to a less conventional style of poker, but have a feeling that inherent aggression in certain players (cough) will interfere. In case you're wondering, the hybrid I refer to is a tight-stupid mix.

4. I asked the magic eight ball an important question about something on my mind, do I follow its recommendations?

-Got a question? Ask the 8 ball. However, this topic seems to be a neverending source of unsolicited advice from others. No, not my choice of badass beard styles.

5. What should I be doing with my life?

And that's it. Five simple questions on my mind tonight. You also get a disclaimer.

The term "hiring" as used in the post of this title does not imply Johnny Utah, his agents, or associates will be hiring anyone at all. In fact, Johnny utah reserves the right at all times, without limitation, to charge YOU for offering advice. Johnny Utah reserves the right to listen, follow, disregard, laugh at, or shoot your advice, answers, and comments. Johnny Utah also reserves the right to make his own decisions, however stupid or ill-conceived they might be. By reading this disclaimer, you, your agents, and your heirs, consent to random kicks to the junk from Johnny Utah at any time. Offer not valid in New Jersey.

Initial Reaction to the State of the Union

BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Claps hands in reverse fashion).

I finally had the balls to spend fifteen minutes in a class, get up, and walk out in front of everyone when I realized I would have spent the semester pissed off at all the hippies trying to express how the law makes them "feel." I transferred to First Amendment in its place, which frankly, I'm amazed I didn't take in the first place. Five freaking weeks learning about abuse??? I figured that I already know how to abuse women and children and I'm not going to pick anything up from the cases on it.

For the record, I don't actually abuse women or children. Just hippies.

Welcome Back, Utah

It took nearly a month away from the law school to almost make me forget how much I hated law students. Reality came crashing back today as I awoke in the morning to attend class. My first class, Biz Orgs, seems like it will actually be an informative and practical course. Of course anything involving business attracts your garden variety douchebag who can't wait to volunteer his personal experiences and the fantastic opportunities awaiting him outside of law school. Those douchebags were out in full force today.

I also encountered a new breed of douche: the social worker. We began a discussion in family law, which centered on the meaning of family. Apparently the school of social work encourages students to take this course at the law school and they mixed with the other wishy-washy crowd comprising the public interest sector to form a perfect storm of idealistic idiocy. The conversation took a turn when an obviously hostile social work student (with about ten pounds of metal pierced to her face) declared that she may not be a law student, but she knows just as much about the constitution, and it is ILLEGAL to legislate anything relating to morality. The premise of her argument was that everyone who "loved" should be entitled to full marital and child visitation privileges. This would eliminate the "horrible experience of divorce" and allow "peace to prevail in a culture of love."

I thought I'd start off jokingly by throwing out some absurd examples; i.e. babysitters with formal visitation rights, ex girlfriends demanding portions of an intestate estate, roommates getting marital tax credits, etc. And she agreed with me. I then had to make it clear that I was kidding and her ideas were idiotic. The professor stopped the conversation at that point. However, later I mentioned that perhaps we should call up the legislature to redact the homicide laws since they were clearly based on morality.

In other news, people seem to be walking alot slower these days around the law school. I'm walking around on a freaking broken foot and I'm pushing my way around the lollygaggers left and right: Get with the program, people! In addition, the maintenance staff chose an excellent time to drill a giant hole in the stairwell ceiling and leave about a foot of passage in the landing. I have a feeling that without the iron fist of Cliff Thompson, this whole place is going to go off the deep end.

What you don't know can't hurt you

This looks like it will be the first semester I'm going to start without knowing a SINGLE GRADE from the previous semester. For all I know, I failed every class and they're getting ready to feed my carcas to the crocodiles they keep behind elegant edibles.

Roundhouse Demonstration

The Good Chuck would be pleased. Or pissed.

Idaidiot

Within a week of grey wolves being pulled from the endangered species list, the governor of Idaho has announced his state plan to hunt them until only 100 remain (the threshhold for endangered species status). His justification is that wolves are hunting elk, taking that opportunity away from tourist-hunters. Governor Butch Otter (admittedly, a badass name) stated "I'm prepared to bid for that first ticket to shoot a wolf myself,"

Clearly, elk aren't endangered in Idaho (I know three people that have shot elk in Idaho), so that must mean there are alot more of them than wolves. Simple laws of physics dictate that wolves cannot eat four times their mass, so that means that there are probably still plenty of elk out there for the killin'.

So why do I deviate from my normal pro-killing stance on wolves? Because they are beautiful, amazing creatures and simple nuisance can't justify a wolf holocaust. They were in Idaho long before people showed up and have every right to complain about elk hunters takin their jobs. Personally, I think the Republicans in Idaho are still swayed by the 2004 Bush campaign ad depicting Democrats and terrorists as wolves (which they had the tact to first air during wolf awareness week).

Check out the wolf ad:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MU4t9O_yFsY

Here's the story:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070112/ap_on_re_us/wolf_hunting

Civil Rights Violations During "Armed and Famous"

Flipping through shows, I stumbled on Armed and Famous, where "real celebrities become real cops." The "celebrities" include Jack Osborne, Wee Man, some dude that used to be on CHIPS, LaToia Jackson and another girl that's relatively hot but I've never seen in anything. I guess the first show was a police academy and now the celebrities have hit the road. Like many other real cops, nobody taught them the Constitution.

I. LaToia's Probable Cause

LaToia Jackson and her partner were called to a car break-in. The owner reported that a cheap Bic lighter had been stolen. The two of them canvassed the area and three blocks away conducted a Terry frisk of a random guy. They found a cheap Bic lighter meeting the description, and would you imagine it, the car owner identified it as the stolen lighter!! The two officers arrested the man for burglary. When filing my motions to suppress and dismiss, all I would list after the facts would be "fuck those stupid bitches," and I'm pretty sure the case would be dismissed.

II. Wee Man and Reasonable Suspicion

Wee Man and his partner were called to a possible shoplifter described as a "woman in a red coat." The camera in the store showed several women in red coats, yet they were ignored and the officers approached a woman and told her to halt. She asked Wee Man why and he said something about a "robbery in progress." She said no, and kept walking. Wee Man pursued her and asked why she didn't stop. She told him that there was no reasonable suspicion and she did not have to stop for him. Absolutely right. Nevertheless, they stopped her and when she asserted her constitutional rights again was arrested for disorderly conduct.

III. You're a Whore!

The hot celebrity cop and her partner stopped a vehicle parked with two occupants. They pulled them both out of the vehicle, frisked them, and on the woman found a twenty dollar bill. Aha! Positive proof of prostitution, money! She badgered the woman with a weapon drawn and said "if you don't talk to us and own up to your prostitution, you'll probably be going to jail for a very long time." Ignoring the fact that there was no probable cause for detention, and that reasonable suspicion for a Terry stop was iffy at best, let's walk through Miranda. (1) Custodial? Well she was at gunpoint...(2) Interrogation? ADMIT TO THE CRIME! (3) Knowing, Voluntary and Intelligent waiver? Hell no!!

IV. LaToia Knocking at the Door

LaToia went to a house and tried to convince someone to "come outside because she had to show her something." Of course, the thing that she had to show the suspect was an arrest warrant. The suspect said something along the lines of the officers not being able to enter her house unless the warrant said they could. Another excellent point. However, LaToia would not be deterred. She claimed the authority to kick the door down and when the suspect emerged and asked for a lawyer, told her that she would not get one until the "police were done with her."

V. Things that Should be Illegal

Probably the most hilarious moments of the show came when the cops tried to "counsel" the suspects about life. Wee Man making skateboarding analogies, Erik Estrada talking about "being a man," LaToia Jackson discussing her family's strong moral values (ignoring the part about Michael and the boys) and some rich bitch telling a homeless woman that it was "easy enough" to get a job, get off drugs and support her family.

Another good part was LaToia's (easily the worst of the bunch) phobia of cats, which sent her running to the squad car and locking the door behind her. Then the other 'cops' cheered when she went to cat therapy with a psychologist. I did all I could to keep from laughing as she described the most traumatic moment of her life as the time when a cat jumped on her back. Okay, she is a JACKSON, I'm willing to bet there's more than that fucking her up. Finally, the worst moment of the show was when Erik Estrada signed an old woman's breast prosthesis.

My old roommate went to police academy after graduating magna cum laude and after two years, has not been able to find a cop job (He's currently a lumberjack). It just pisses me off to see these jokers pointing guns and abusing people with all the authority of the law and probably getting paid some ridicilous sum for doing a half assed job of protecting the public. Arrest this [points to genitals].

This made me laugh...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070110/ap_on_re_us/scorpion_on_a_plane

"I am sick and tired of all these motherfucking scorpions on my motherfucking plane!" I would have recommended getting everyone seatbelted in, then shooting out a huge section of the plane to suck the scorpions/any snakes off of the plane.

2007

Okay, so I'm more than a week late with this post, but there was only dial up internet where I was for the last few weeks (Afghanistan).

Current and Quasi-current Events

1. Passing of a President

No, I'm not talking about Gerald Ford. Lord knows we spent long enough burying the guy over forty-two consecutive months of mourning. I'm talking about the former President of the Republic of Iraq: Saddam Hussein. Yes, the guy was a pile of steaming monkey dung, but that was no execuse for America to march on in, put on a fantastic display of ridiculously unfair "show justice" and then put him to death within thirty days of appeal. We're supposed to be making Iraq a better place, but instead we did everything in our power to sponsor a trial that would have been unconstitutional in every sense in this nation. Fucking hypocrites.

2. Read this mail [points to genitals]

My second major outrage of the break came when I turned on the news and heard the anchors discussing President Bush's declaration that the government has the authority to open our mail without a warrant. Huh!!??? We all know that the Bush legal department is filled with a plethora of yes men (i.e. Gonzalez: torture is okay, so is wiretapping without a warrant), and we know that his administration and the U.S. Supreme Court are doing their best to write the Fourth Amendment out of the Constitution, but this flies in the face of just about everything I've learned about our basic rights. Of course after the initial outrage, Bush clarified his signing statement to restrict this right to "emergencies" but it's still scary how far this jackass is trying to push it.

3. The O.C.

Please observe a moment of silence...the LAST episode of the O.C. will air on February 22nd. Fox announced that it is cancelling the greatest thing ever to happen to the world earlier this month. I have nothing else to say that won't be laced with sobs, cursing, and inappropriate gestures.

The New Year

I made some resolutions that I hope to keep. Chief among them (I have a list of 18 or so) are to stay close to my friends, claw my way into the employment world, and fight fewer wolves. It's funny how we think something as arbitrary as the passing of a year will really form the foundation of major changes in people. Nevertheless I'm clinging to the myth that I can make a resolution and stick to it. Ought' six was a tough year for me, and I'm optimistic about ought' seven. Afterall, Stocco wore number 7.

I'm a little under two weeks away from starting my final semester of law school. It's crazy to think that after seven years of college I'll be ready for the real world. If it's not all that it's cracked up to be, I'll just go back to school. The school of Hard Knock Science.

Badassedry

Someone told me that the two weeks before my first semester of college would be the greatest time of my life. Man, that guy was an idiot!! Not only has every day since high school been way better than high school, but I intend to make these (almost) two weeks pretty durn awesome. Who's with me??