A Comprehensive Review of the Bass

The post below got me so pissed/pumped, I had to go old school and review the bass. Pictured below, is a bass.

FACTS

1. Bass come in several varieties...small mouth, large mouth, potty mouth, seabass, and endangered.

2. Bass tend to avoid modern lingo. You will seldom here a bass call something "dope" or "fly" or "crunk" Instead, they use the tongue of the old world and call that which is badass "basstastic."

3. Most bass women tend to be common skanks and will birth thousands of baby bass at the same time. Bass men seldom pay child support.

4. Bass reside in nests. Many bass nests are constructed from silt and stone...however wealthier bass will also install granite countertops in their homes.

5. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a bass to fish and he will be one badass cannibal that rules the lake! Basstastic.

6. Bass are huge fans of Sam Jackson. In fact, before eating a worm many bass are known to quote: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

7. Sometimes bass occasionally jump onto land, flop around, scream through their gills, and spike their fins. This has made at least one bass the most talented member of his boy band.

Lance Bass, the fish that could.