Life on the Westside

It's been a while since I've had the patience to battle with the dial up internet and update, so here it goes in no particular order:

I. Criminalizing the Noogie

I'd like to say that the title of this chapter is a joke, or even a play on words, but no, I saw with my own eyes, a prosecutor who effectively criminalized the noogie. The complaint charged a 17 year old kid with disorderly conduct for giving his younger cousin a noogie. Basically, all the family kids were left alone, and the little kid didn't like getting picked on, so he called the cops and the 17 year old spent a night in jail and paid a $250 forfeiture for "rubbing his knuckles on the victim's scalp." I wish to God that the kid had wanted to fight that, I would have loved to try this before a jury and be able to talk about wet willies, wedgies, and swirlies. To top it off, the prosecutor wanted to keep the kid in jail on cash bail! Talk about a fucking joke. The ADA took great offense though that we "mocked the criminal justice system and his charging decision" and basically screamed at my supervisor and I and threatened all kinds of ethical action. I've become much more of a smartass after that incident and I'm pretty sure the prosecutors all hate me. Whatever, it's my job to throw down.

II. The Continuing Saga of Me Versus Nature

So it appears that the rest of the forest is moving in to protect its raccoon brethren. I heard a loud noise in my back yard the other day, looked out my window, and saw a gigantic buck standing outside my house, apparently immediately after ramming the house. He was at least a ten-pointer and for a moment I wished I was a hunter...and it was hunting season. I panned right and there was a doe. This buck rolls with his bitches apparently. I panned further right and saw a family of rabbits eating in the garden. My next door neighbor allegedly spotted a black bear in his yard the other day. D-day is likely just around the corner and my back porch is Normandy. Fucking France.

III. Saving the Criminals, One at a Time

I really enjoy doing criminal defense. It's fascinating work with interesting facts, and ensures a plethora of court appearances in any given week. I'm a little dismayed though because I know that it is very difficult to get hired by the State Public Defender (they hired two people in the state last year), plus for the most part, the money sucks. I consolidated my student loans a couple weeks ago and am now pretty much resigned to the fact that I will have to take the highest-paying job I can find in order to pay off the massive amount of debt I have accumulated over three years. If not, I'm pretty certain the government will bring back the Charles Dickens-style debtors prisons and throw my ass in there for many, many years. And I'm not sure I have the connections that Darius Stone had in xXx: State of the Union, so you can count out any badass prison breaks.

IV. Fishing and Al Capone

This weekend, I went up to my cabin with my parents for some fishing. I was reluctantly convinced to tag along on an excursion to Al Capone's Wisconsin hideout. It turned out to be one of the lamest quasi-historical sites I have ever visited. I think I pissed off the tour guide pretty good when I pointed out that several of the "authentic" artifacts in the home were from the 1960's, well after Capone's arrest, and some after his death. I would have made a scene and demanded my money back after the ridiculous display the "hideout" put on, but instead, I got a hot dog.

V. Life Goes On

Life at home is getting to be a little monotonous. I love working with SPD, and that's what gets me out of bed in the morning. However, living at home is not without its downsides. I have nobody to talk to except my family and cell phone service sucks out here so I don't make a whole lot of phone calls. I haven't had a drink since leaving school. Not that it's a bad thing, I just miss the regular stupidity and interesting conversation spawned at the bar, the poker table, and those times Laurance convinces people to "pull the trigger" and have ten drinks to knock the edge off. I don't have cable TV, which ensures shitty reception and minimal programming (especially with the O.C. breaking for the summer). However, this definitely beats the company I was in last summer where the hippy roommate constantly berated me for drinking cheap beer, listening to 'modern' music, and fighting with her cats. Most of all, I miss being around friends. My high school friends are long gone and my two best friends from college moved far away this summer. Needless to say, all of the law schoolers are out becoming remarkably successful far from this part of the state. But what the hell, I'm learning alot, staying healthy (except possible war with animals, supra), and most importantly: saving money.