Register This

It appears to be wedding season once more and I've been summoned to witness the union of friends and families and of course pay for doing so. Just moments ago, I was seconds away from drop kicking my computer through a black hole into another universe. The old adage of "early bird gets the worm" proved correct as all the frugally responsible registry items were well accounted for. It seems my old high school friend, whom I've never known to cook, is requesting an omelette pan that costs almost $400.00.

Clearly, that's not going to fly with me. I have a system that I apply to weddings, and it's one that I generally will not deviate from. I take the fair market value of the booze I anticipate drinking, and divide it by two. That's the price of the gifts the bride and groom will be receiving. Now, of course if I'm in the wedding and have to rent a tux, stay in a hotel, or buy drinks/lapdances at a bachelor party, I also subtract that value from the total gift price. So for the instant wedding, they owe me about $500.00. You throw in the billable time I'm going to lose just to slam beers and do the chicken dance over an extended weekend and we're looking at another fifteen thousand or so in accounts receivable.

Therefore, unless they make me an omelette that turns into a 52 inch HDTV, cabinet full of premium booze, and a Jessica Biel programmed to live on Johnny Utah semen, it's not happening. Thank God Burger King does giftcards. I only wish they came in denominations smaller than five dollars.