Another store I may not be welcome at

Old Lady at Wal-Mart checkout: "Cough, Cough, hack, phlegm" [all over Mr. Utah's groceries on the conveyor belt]

Mr Utah: [presumably under his breath] "Mind not coughing the swine flu all over my fucking food?"

*All parties turn to stare at Mr. Utah immediately after said remark*

Unbelievable

Loving v. Virginia came down more than forty years ago. God bless the South for always giving me a reason to feel righteously indignant.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

Lou Holtz: Dementia in Action

Lou Holtz: But when you're fighting for a national championship, every second counts. (Referring to Notre Dame Football)

Mark May: "Fighting for a national championship?" They haven't even played a team with a winning record yet. The best defense they have gone up against was ranked 72.

Lou Holtz: Why can't you just be unbiased about Notre Dame, like I am.

Editors note: Nice to see someone filling Madden's stupid shoes.

On a fucking stairmaster.

Today I recieved some depressing news. The corporation counsel whom I'd gone back and forth with over the past two and a half years died in his sleep. He was a year away from retirement. I know this because he told me the day before.

It's always such a shock to hear about the sudden death of someone you see every week, especially when that person was healthy and relatively young. In hindsight, the suddenness of it all makes things seem pointless-that someone could spend his whole life working and then die too soon in an entirely ordinary way. In season three of the wire, Jimmy McNulty heard about the death of Detective Ray Cole after collapsing on a stairmaster. All McNulty could say was "On a fucking stairmaster."

I never really understood that scene until today. Life is unpredictable, and being a good person doesn't prevent death from keeling you over way too young. All of the things you put off will never get done. You look at the lives of these people and wonder if they were happy, hoping the answer is yes.

I'm sad to hear that he's gone, but glad that I have the opportunity to evaluate my own life. I think we all need these wake up calls now and again to realize that life doesn't care about how much we want things. If we don't get it done in time, it won't happen. Most people live their lives without living at all. I'm thankful that my last lesson from this man (He pwned me in the courtroom several times) is such an important one.

Bruce Willis?

I've made this analogy before plenty of times, but it's time to vent about it in public. Bruce Willis played the male lead in arguably the better of the two mid-90's comet movies: Armageddon. He was a badass driller rocking the chrome dome. Ladies? But despite all of his marketable qualities, he found himself alone throughout the movie.

Ben Affleck, in his normal routine of douchebaggery, fell in love with Bruce Willis' bangin hot daughter and failed to succumb to Bruce's shotgun. Long story short, Bruce and Affleck found themselves out in space on an asteroid with Steve Buscemi. The goal was to drill a hole to the middle, throw a nuclear bomb down the middle, and blow it to pieces, saving Earth in the process.

So in the movie's pivotal moment, the crew discovered that the remote control used to detonate the nuclear bomb had malfunctioned. They had to draw straws to determine who would sacrifice himself to blow up the asteroid while the rest escaped unscathed. Ben Affleck drew the short straw, but alas, Bruce realized how much Affleck loved his daughter and chose to sacrifice himself instead. You know, because he was alone and didn't have hair.

If my world were Armageddon, I'm pretty sure I'd fall into the Bruce Willis role. Assuming you all don't want my cosmic cockslap to be the last thing you all see raining down from the death asteroid, I want you to all vow right now to name a bunch of schools and/or Qdobas after me in the event of my martyrdom. No promises to save France.

N'Suck

I spend alot of my work day surfing the internet to relive awkward pop references from the 80's and 90's (Go Bayside!). While I earned my state-reduced salary I happened to stumble on a band that was big my senior year of high school: LFO.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1dfEf1qOt4&feature=related

My only thought as I relived this video was "THIS was cool??" A bunch of frosted-hair assholes faux-rapping about how they like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch? Not only do the lyrics make no sense, (e.g. "Fell deep in love but now we aint speakin, Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton"), but those words that they manage to string together are naturally enraging to anyone who has at least one descended testicle.

LFO stands for "Lyte Funkie Ones." Apparently this means they're white boys who are down with the funk. Well, play that funky music, white boys. I'm guessing the lead singer, the guy with the Zack Morris hair and Jersey accent is supposed to be the "tough guy" of the band. You can tell when he sings "I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike" means that he's ready to throw down for his boys. But beneath his wrong side of the tracks exterior, he has a soft spot for Abercrombie and Fitch-wearing socialites.

So seeing as these guys are probably millionaires, I'm guessing it won't be too hard to travel back to the 90's and start my own boy band. I'll round up a group of talentless Gap models and call it D-BAG. They'll make boatloads of money singing about how they like girls. Girls with nice clothes. Of course, as their music manager I'll hold all of the profits in trust. Then I'll schedule them for a concert at 7:30 a.m. on September 11, 2001 at the top of the world trade center, pants them on national TV, and parachute off the building screaming lyrics from Journey. Kanye West can open.

Hey Bodhi, Vaya Con Dios

The second lead in the greatest film of all time has cast himself into the figurative giant tsunami never to return. Patrick Swayze passed away today at the age of 57. Without him, there would be no Bodhizafta, no ex-presidents, no beach football amid a gasoline-soaked blaze. And no Red Dawn, either; easily the second greatest movie of all time...or Roadhouse: #3.

This is honestly one actor I'm going to miss. I'll feel nostalgic every time I watch Point Break from this point onward. Rest in Peace.

"Yo Johnny, I'll see you in the next life"

-Bodhi

Deja Vu

The sensation of experiencing something you have experienced before. In this case, the numbers on my paycheck, reduced to where it was when I was first hired more than two years ago. Thanks to Jim cockfuck Doyle and my capitulating care bear union, I now have to take pay cuts and furloughs of almost eleven percent my annual salary. Why? So we wouldn't lay off fourteen new law school hires to cover the deficit in the budget our representatives in Madison couldn't balance. Hope you appreciate it, fuckers. For the record, I voted for their termination.

Public service is becoming more and more expensive. I write this semi-anonymous post in direct violation of the edict not to bad mouth the agency or Governor Dickhole for the ass-ramming we just endured. My frustrations have grown to the point where I can't really rule out going on a massive workplace rampage atop a rhinoscerous with flamethrowers and shark launchers. At least if I get convicted of first degree intentional homicide, the government will spend what I'm worth in care and custody. And in prison, I won't be forced to cancel HBO.

Bottom line, I'm out as soon as it's feasible.

Coon Cola!

I thought I had closed the final chapter on my battles with Raccoons after the great roof shootout of '05 (i.e. watched the raccoons crawl out of my roof and into the gutter). But apparently they've chosen a new home to plot their revenge.

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100000086?v=5289218&l=100000085

The Greatest Late-Night Appearance EVER

I haven't watched the late night show since Conan left. However, I am now a loyal follower. Last night Jimmy Fallon hosted Zack Morris; his first ever public appearance since Saved by the Bell. Yes, he actually appeared as Zack Morris. AND got a call from Jessie Spano on his sick-ass early 90's cell phone. Although I'm sorry to hear about Kelly's decision to leave him for Jeff at the Max (fucking bastard!), it was good to see my favorite preppy once more.

http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/blogs/2009/06/zack-attacks-late-night-signs-on-for-the-reunion/

Insert Penis Joke Here

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090530/ts_alt_afp/usitresearchmilitarylaser_20090530082418

Time to move on?

Observe Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle. This man is a cockmonger. A cockmonger is one who mongs cocks.

Today Governor Doyle announced a plan that would deny me my contractually promised pay increases, reduce those raises I've already recieved, and force me to take over three weeks of unpaid leave to the tune of a seven percent reduction in salary; leaving me making less than I actuallly started at. But don't worry, I will be expected to do more work that I do at the present for the Badger State.

My boss tried to assure me that it sounds worse than it really is. Basically, I was advised to take it in the ass because the government will eventually feel bad and make it up to me. For some reason, the words of Preston "Bodhi" Broadus came to mind:

"Do the chair realize we gonna look like a bunch of punk ass bitches?"

Fuck.

See supra.

Another Wolf-Related Rant

The Federal government has officially lifted the endangered species ban against hunting and "population control" on gray wolves in the Rocky Mountains and Great Lakes zone-including Wisconsin. The reason for lifting the ban in place since 1974? Wolves have reached a "minimum" population that won't be immediately extinguished by hunting and government-sponsored poisoning.

Not to sound like a hippy (I frequently feed them to my own wolves), but this doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me. Thirty-plus years to recover an entire species that was nearly wiped off the face of the earth and as soon as the packs meet a minimal threshhold of sustainability, the government sanctions wholesale genocide to appease some farmers in Idaho? True, the wolves may be takin' their jobs by killing an occasional goat, but what the hell are those farmers going to do when they wipe out the only cure to the futuristic wolf flu? If I learned anything from Sylvester Stallone, it's that nature provides the best cure to worldwide epidemics, even if that cure happens to be dandelions. But I digress.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090503/ap_on_re_us/us_wolves_recovered