Enemy at the Steak

When I walked into Copps and was confronted by the gigantic food shortage, I initially jumped to two conclusions: (1) I had stumbled through a time-space portal that transported me to a 1970's Soviet Union food depot, and (2) Zombies had destroyed the majority of the population and the survivors had looted the grocery store for supplies en route to Mexico.

I'm not exaggerating my description of the Soviet-era food shortage. In produce, there were NO carrots, no broccoli, no potatoes, and no iceberg lettuce. Politely, I approached a Copps employee and asked where the hell the food was. She told me that they didn't have my iceberg lettuce, but perhaps I should try the healthier (and more expensive) green leaf lettuce. At this point in my life, I'm pretty set in my ways, so I was biting myself on the tongue and mentally ordering the rest of me not to be an ass. However, there was no way someone was going to tell me to alter my proven sandwich design, of which iceberg lettuce is a proven component. As the grocery store employee tried to put the green lettuce in my cart, I informed her that I would not take her substitute because I wanted the cheap, pre-packaged, bleach-white, non-nutritious iceberg lettuce.

The dearth of food was not confined to produce. I couldn't find wheat bread, tuna, or Sara Lee Bagels. And since there isn't anyone that doesn't like Sara Lee, I can only assume those bastards killed her. To take my mind off the clear incompetence of the Copps stocking department, I decided to bank my grocery cart hard around some turns while making racecar noises. Sure enough, the cart crashed into another cart being pushed by a cute undergrad. I offered a lame excuse about being distracted by the cookies and might have muttered something about gravity. She gave me a stare and moved on. Clearly, she wanted me.

I know the explanation is probably a shortage due to Easter Sunday shopping, but still, by 8 p.m. the next day, you'd think that a competent grocer would be able to plan on receiving replacements. Now I have to go two weeks without vegetables because I'm too lazy to return. I did a massive burnout in the Copps parking lot on my grocery cart and left that hellhole never to return this week.