An Ode to Red Dawn

I really don't say this enough, but Red Dawn is a great movie. So what's prompting me now to proclaim my love of this movie from the mountaintops? Last night on Family Guy, Peter Griffin mentioned that he was in Red Dawn: The Musical, and the show cut to Peter singing about being a Wolverine. Red Dawn is an old movie, but it's messages live on in our time. There's a reason that Red Dawn was the first PG-13 movie EVER made: It kicked too much ass for PG.

So what do we learn from this master of cinematic art? For starters, never trust Russians...or Cubans. However, if you show you are worthy in battle and have to carry your brother out of a final battle where the two of you take on an entire army, then the communist officers will have mercy on you. Furthermore, when things get hot, the high school is not the place to be: As soon as the enemy lands, that's the first place he'll attack. But those are the only cons.

You have to have a battle cry. This is as true when repelling invaders from AMERICA as it is when Patrick Swayze [Jed] is peeing in his truck's radiator to keep it from overheating . No battle cry can parallel that on Red Dawn: WOLVERINES!!! This is not to be confused with Wolves, which a 2004 Bush campaign ad equated with Democrats.

Furthermore, this movie teaches people that if you are true of heart, there will always be two babes hiding in a rancher's basement who will join your roving gang of liberty fighters. Except if you're Charlie Sheen. Then they'll freak out on you for ordering them to do the dishes. Whatever, Ferris Bueller's sister was kind of a bitch anyways.

It's awesome to avenge things. Whether it's blowing up a tank for stealing the mayor's car, or blowing up Russians to avenge putting your father [Harry Dean Stanton] in a Russian death camp, to avenge is badass. Just like Mr. Eckert said: "Boys, Avenge me...AVENGE ME!!!" Wow. Incredible.

So there you have it: War cry, babes, avenge things, stay away from the high school during attacks. Simple enough. Who knows...Red Dawn may one day save your lives.