Life's a Cover Letter

I'm 25 years old, starting my seventh and final year of college and now I have to figure out what to do with myself. My initial instincts told me "spy" or "NASCAR driver." Maybe both. But realistically, I'm invested in this whole "law" thing.

I don't want it to sound like I haven't been trying. Believe me, I have. I think I look good on paper, but employers are threatened by the ridiculously close shave I get from the Gillette Fusion. More likely than not the problem is that I have trouble interviewing. Case in point, last year a potential employer asks me about a "major mistake I've made" and I blurt out a story about sleeping through an ambulance page. Needless to say, I didn't waste my fist strength by punching through a concrete pillar to impress that interviewer.

So why is interviewing so hard for people like me? It forces the average person to become a douchebag. Douchebags are remarkably successful interviewers because they've been practicing for it their whole life. Think of any bar you've been at and you overhear some guy talking about choosing between a six figure job and helping diseased orphans in Africa. Or perhaps the dilemma of balancing a burgeoning professional golf career with grad school and that book he's been working on. About France.

Interviews are the only form of "tryout" that allows people to mold themselves into perfect images of what someone wants to see, rather than who the person is. I played an instrument through college, and every time I auditioned for an ensemble, we had to demonstrate our skill through preparation and sight reading, rather than a 'clerkship' with another band. In hockey we had to prove we could play at tryouts, rather than smile and tell an interesting anecdote about Guam. When we took our driving exams, success was not contingent on knowing every practice division in the DMV. The "tryout" that sticks with us for life, is going to be based inevitably on some degree of falsehood and it turns my stomach like Clan MacGregor Whisky.

So why do employers do it? Why subject yourself to polished lies that say nothing about the person or his abilities? Do people really want to work with someone willing to radically change themselves for money? We used to have a different word for people like that. Yeah, it was "prostitutes." I think that employers and all of us 'potentials' would benefit far more if we shed the facade and were able to talk "real" and then remain real. I'm not saying that I have a means to implement this scheme, or even that I'll participate. Above all, I'm a realist and I know that everyone, including me, has to submit at one point or another to the misguided process we all call the job search. We'll all smile, pretend we want to be friends with the guy we just met and tell all kinds of stories about how our performance in four hour exams perfectly qualifies us to be the next great lawyer. Oh and if you didn't know, my greatest weakness is that I care too much about my work. I've never had a real career, and I'm already prepped to retire. Anybody want to join me on the beach? We'll eat lunch at 10, dinner at two, and sleep the rest of the day.

On second thought, maybe I should have been a polar bear hunter.