The Asian Scourge

So there are about five billion or so Asians in this world, and about half of them attend the University of Wisconsin Law School. I sit down at an empty table in the grand reading room, and suddenly I'm swarmed by Asians from all directions. Now originally, my problem with the Asians was limited to the fact that we are importing foreigners to further clog my already-swamped job market. However, today really pissed me off.

They all start talking in strange tongue. Loud. Many of them pick up the cell phones right there at the table, the courteous ones talk all the way to the side door...right before they slam it. I'm trying to study for finals here, jackasses. So I decide to take a break and go get a Snickers. Lo and Behold, what should adorn the student lounge, but legions of Asians. Cooking something extraordinarily putrid in the microwave. My best guess is that it was fishheads stuffed with feces. Whatever it was, the Asians tried washing it into the mens room sinks. Apparently somebody forgot to tell them that here in America, not all solid matter washes down the drain.

I return to the library and the Asians are still having a loud conference in the library. Behind me, an Asian who has apparently been infected for a year or so with the bird flu snorts loudly. I politely remind the nearest Asian that we were indeed in a library and they should respect my right to study. The girl looks at me, her eyes register, and she turns around and immediately begins to talk again. My second request for them to shut the fuck up also goes ignored. So I packed up my shit and left. There I was, being rousted from my home by invaders. I felt just like Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn when the Russians parachuted into rural America and attacked the high school. Yeah, EXACTLY like that. As an aside, I'd like to note that when I say "Asians" I mean foreign Asians...not "Asian Americans." I get along just fine with someone who knows the Pledge of Allegiance, appreciates football, and eats pizza for lunch.

Now I know all Asians know martial arts, but something tells me the next time I witness this level of foreign douchebaggery, I need to lay the smack down. Afterall, the world's best fighters are all American. If you're skeptical, let me throw out some names: Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, Vin Diesel, Horses. Enough Said. Those of you who get what I'm trying to say realize that this is not racism, it's merely extending my hatred of douchebags to international douchebags. Talk in the library, don't shut up when I command, pour fishheads down my drain, and you become a douche. And like all douchebags, there will be consequences.