Animal Review to the Extreme

I bet you all thought that I got tired of my lame animal reviews. Well if you thought so, then you have completely underestimated my ability to run ideas into the ground. So here it is, one of the most extreme animals to walk, run, or trample upon the earth.

JOHN STOCCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FACTS:

1. Stoccos are natural predators. They mainly eat Gophers, Wolverines, Buckeyes, and burritos.

2. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. John Stocco has 72, and they're all poisonous.

3. Stocco actually invented a time machine and has gone back to every year in history to win the Heisman. His first victory was when he flung a football into the skull of the giant defensive lineman Goliath. Back then he went by "David."

4. Stocco majored in Agricultural Journalism, making him fit for both Agriculture AND Journalism. What the fuck have you ever done?

5. John Stocco has diversity jurisdiction no matter where he sues.

6. The Number "7" has always been viewed as a holy number. Coincidence? I think not.

ANALYSIS:

A solitary killer, the Stocco is extremely effective at hunting his prey. Normally he opts for the camouflage that throwing a screen pass gives him. However, Stocco is extremely efficient at handing the ball off. Don't believe me? Look at Brian Calhoun, who rushed extremely well when Stocco was handing him the ball. The aerial circus is always on when Stocco is awake. But also when he's asleep. I would rate Stocco in terms of badass passing ability, but I don't think my computer can make the infinity symbol. In fact, I think this whole discussion is just way too awesome to even continue.