PANDEMIC ALERT

THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL has issued a pandemic alert for an alarming illness spreading from poor parts of the world to America. The CDC urges Americans to take special precautions against the now prevalent bear flu.

Bear flu is spread by direct contact with bears and initially resembles the common cold. Common signs and symptoms of bear flu include:

(1) Runny nose
(2) Fatigue
(3) Giant mauling slash marks across the head and torso
(4) Absence of limbs/giant bite marks on limbs
(5) Diarrhea

The CDC encourages Americans to employ common safeguards against communicable disease. Bear flu can be prevented by washing hands, covering coughs, avoiding picnics, avoiding situations where you feel tempted to surprise and taunt baby bears, and disenfecting bloody wounds that bears can track by scent.

If you have been in contact with anyone showing symptoms of the bear flu, the Berenstein Bears, or Mexicans, the CDC encourages you to see your healthcare provider right away.