Power of the Press...to Fuck Itself

So I managed to wrassle up enough reasonable doubt in a circus of a trial to secure acquittals on some pretty serious shit. However, despite the three rings that constituted this mess, the major controversy appeared after voir dire.

I have a habit of asking prospective jurors whether they've read any stories on the alleged offenses to be tried. Before asking this question, I happened to know that a particular smalltown rag, run by a college dropout and his unemployed janitor girlfriend, ran an extremely inflammatory story declaring my client's guilt from the criminal complaints and calling for his prolonged incarceration. I asked the entire panel whether anyone read this paper. Nobody raised their hands. Afterwards I commented that apparently not as many people read this newspaper as I thought. It elicited unexpected laughter.

That was litreally the last I said of this particular smalltown newspaper. Immediately after voir dire a struck juror confronted me and demanded apology for allegedly ripping on her husband's newspaper. I told her no apology was forthcoming and went to the vending machine. I selected Snickers. The trial commenced, I caught a few lucky breaks, and went home after two days of trial.

Fast forward to Monday. My inbox contained a letter from the "Editor in Chief" of said local paper. It accused me of extreme defamation that was "entirely inappropriate and unprofessional." It demanded that I schedule an immediate court hearing to issue an apology in open court, and write a letter to the editor of every newspaper sold or distributed in this county. All five of them. If i did not comply immediately, the Editor in Chief stated he would take legal action and make formal complaints to the circuit court of this county. My colleagues and I all laughed gregariously at his foolishness and lack of gold.

Going forward again to this afternoon, I happened to be in the same courthouse where all of this took place. The District Attorney informed me that the editor had visited and asked that "criminal slander" charges be filed against me. The "victim" also noticed the judge that I was unethical and should be banned from the practice of law. Hearing this information from the judge, I loudly proclaimed him to be pure grade douche, advised that he should kiss both my asscheeks and advised him to fuck his own mother. This was all hypothetical.

Turns out, the motherfucker was sitting in the lobby, about eight feet away. He heard every word.

So this brings me to the editorial portion of this report. What kind of shitty newsman would take such great offense to simple remarks in open court? And demand such severe vengeance? The First Amendment goes both ways and as it turns out, I too, have the right to speak freely. I in no way implied that his paper was bad during voir dire, but now that I know the reactions, I kind of wish I would have stood on a soapbox and wiped my ass with the latest edition. At least I would have gotten my money's worth.