Wildcat!

It appears that beach cats aren't the only treacherous brand of feline roaming the American countryside. This morning I left for work approximately forty-five minutes before my first hearing. I stopped at the intersection from my parking lot to turn onto the road and saw that traffic was gridlocked. A quick scan uncovered the reason for the delay: A tail-less kitten was sitting in the middle of the intersection and approaching various cars.

After a wait of about three minutes, the junior cat left the road and sauntered directly under my car. I knew I couldn't run the bastard over with every stopped motorist pointing under my car, so I exited. Sure enough, the kitten was lying in wait under my car, slowly walked out, and began meowing at me like it owned the place. Immediately, I flashed the kitten my gang sign to let it know that it was on my turf.

Wouldn't you know it, I was stupid enough to leave my car door open and the bastard jumped inside and sat on the passenger seat! At this point, I wasn't entirely sure on how to proceed. If I didn't remove it, the cat would think that I was some scum of the earth taxi driver. However, if I did try to remove the wild animal, it was liable to bite my face off. Eventually I made the decision that my dignity was more important than my face. Damnit, I'm an attorney and that wildcat was going to respect my authority.

I removed the kitten with remarkable ease. However, it just sat there, looking at me and meowing. I made some cat noises with my mouth and the motherfucker followed me everywhere in the parking lot. A plan slowly formed and I allowed the kiten to follow me to the far end of the parking lot, then I sprinted back to my car, jumped inside and prepared to do a victorious burnout. However, the cat darted under my vehicle before I could put the car into drive. I tried this plan a couple more times without success. For a tiny animal, that kitten is one fast beast of prey.

Several minutes passed and the situation was getting ridiculous. I lured the kitten over to the woods near my house. Petting it, the kitten purred. I then gently picked it up, and hurled it down an incline into the woods. Yes, I know, one who hurls small animals into the woods is normally a bad person, but remember, cats always land on their feet. This kitten apparently had the instinct and landed A-OK, but still bolted up the hill towards me. However, the incline thwarted the kitten's previous agility and allowed me to make my escape from the parking lot. As I escaped at a rather high speed, I saw the kitten chasing after my car.

Had this been a Beverly Cleary book, I would have been obligated to adopt the wildcat. Unfortunately for this homeless feline, this is AMERICA, and no creature, plant, rock, or superintelligent computer-being has the right to beg for handouts. I was late to court but didn't have the nerve to tell the judge that my tardiness stemmed from tossing a kitten off a hill. I blamed traffic.