The Neverending Plague

The homeless are migrating. Today I was out for a drive on a GRAVEL COUNTRY ROAD to look at a crime scene. In the middle of the road was an incredibly old woman lying down. I thought she might be dead, so I stopped to get first dibs on any cash or valuables she might be carrying. But alas, she was just senile as hell and unable to walk very well. Foolishly, I agreed to give her a ride to the hospital, or someplace else that wasn't in the middle of a road. She promptly accepted and stepped into my ride.

I guess I should have known...absence of home, craving for change, increased recidivism rate...this 87 year old woman was HOMELESS. The threat multiplied when I realized she had an accent that wasn't American...and asked in broken English if I "sprechened zie Deutsche." Confronted with the realization that this woman was homeless, senile, and unable (due to age, facial hair and missing teeth) to fulfill my hot Jessica Alba-related hitchhiker fantasies, I pushed my mighty V-6 engine to the limits and dropped her at the courthouse, where surely some police officer could assist her with a friendly vagrancy arrest.

Wouldn't you know it, the homeless have allies! From the socialist country of wurker, the Social Workers have allied themselves with all scum of the world. Much like the good guys in GI Joe facing off against COBRA, I squared off for the assault. Immediately the stupid bitch greeted the homeless invader and demanded to know why I gave her a ride into town. Hindsight tells me I should have taken the Barry Gibb approach to confrontation and inquired: "Do you know who I am??? I will RUIN you!!" Instead I responded "She was laying in the middle of an unpaved road in the middle of the country, was confused, and asked for a ride to town." The dumb [fill in the blank] told me not to deal with things I'm not trained for.

Now if I may be serious for a moment, the woman needed some help. The weather, remote area, senility, and prone position in the middle of the road placed her at moderate risk of great bodily harm. Although I would have never helped a person in Madison in the same situation (because they'd only convert my sympathy into cash for Riley's), I think there were extinuating circumstances in this case. Mainly, not wanting to be responsible for her death by driving by and flaunting my status as an apartment rentor while I drank a mountain dew paid for with real paper money, not change. But I digress. The real point of this story is that I hate social workers. I didn't want a thank you, or a medal, or even a smile. All I wanted was $10,000 and a sandwich for risking my life transporting a dangerous poor person.