Things I'm Thankful For

All too often I fall into the "glass half empty" mold when things aren't going precisely how I planned them. When I was ten, I envisioned my life at 26...I was an astronaut/spy/crimefighter with seven dogs, a flying car and played in the NHL as a side gig. When I was twelve, my vision of life at 26 remained the same, with the addition of a super hot girlfriend. When I was five, I always thought I would grow up and transform into a van.

Life doesn't always turn out like we planned and sometimes we resent the fact that all of our dreams haven't come true. Playing into this resentment leads to the pessimism that occasionally afflicts us all. But in these moments, it's important to remember that sometimes chasing the dream is as important as having it. By having dreams to chase, we forget the foundations that gives our imagination the platform to form the dreams in the first place.

For instance, without food, I would be sitting outside of the Qdoba all day wishing for a burrito. But "wishing" is not dreaming, and although the sweet taste of queso sauce on my palate has the potential to turn the holocaust into a cheerful misunderstanding, it would not help me step outside the boundaries of basic needs and allow true human dreaming to unfold. Because of things like Qdoba, Bud Light, and air, I can concentrate on greater goals...like my letter campaign to Rob Cohen to create xXx Three: State of your mom.

In all seriousness, the "real world" has very recently exposed me to a whole class of people who couldn't take care of their basic needs and really live life without dreams. They seem empty from whatever is missing...food, care, crack. I can't imagine what it's like to live like that, so in comparison, I feel thankful. Maybe it's the thought of all the food I'm about to ingest, or the fact that I will be able to feed my dog more than most homeli receive, or the fact that Jesus visited me in a vision and told me to make a mental list of all the things I'm thankful for, but I feel like I have to share some of the most important on the internet.

1. Money. Damn, it's nice to have cash coming in for once. I can go to Taco John's without regret and buy a DVD with three Vin Diesel movies on one disc. Some people say money can't buy you happiness, but those people don't have the option of eating Hardees once a week.

2. That line from Dr. Dre's song Let's get high, that states "Yeah, I just took some ecstasy, ain't no telling what the side effects could be, all these fine bitches equals sex to me, plus I got this bad bitch laying next to me." Much like the old folk song that cured Holden Caufield in Catcher in the Rye, this line caught me at a moment of self-pity and helped define my life. From the first time I heard this song, I wanted nothing more than to become an awesome drug dealer that mistreats women.

3. A license to practice law. Wow, did I ever fool some chump at the Board of Bar Examiners when they gave me a license to do immeasurable harm. All I do during the day is daydream of ways to transform the man-eating pigs in Hannibal into brief form. So far, all I've managed to do is capture the smarmy feeling Jared projects in his Subway commercials to oppose a warrantless search. I also included a footnote citing "Goddamnit! I am sick and tired of all these futherfucking snakes, on my motherfucking plane!" No wonder I keep losing...

4. The Big Ten Network. The mere thought of this infuriating arrangement that robs me of half the Badger games makes me smile. No matter how poorly I behave, I know that someone will always hate the assholes responsible for this idea more than me.

5. World Peace.

So in the spirit of Charlie Brown, Happy Thanksgiving.