NADOS!

I can't remember if I've ever taken the time to discuss the phenomenon known as the tornado (hereafter "nado") on this blog. We all live (those of us in Wisconsin anyways) in one of the most tornadically active areas on the planet and I have to admit, I always get a little excited when I see the thunderstorms coming in and hear the sirens go off. Severe storms are probably my greatest reminder that I'm not completely invulnerable to nature. And it pisses me off.

So needless to say, I was excited to hear from my brother who witnessed several nados last week during his stormchasing class. Before you scoff at the existence of this class, I should note that my brother is in graduate school for meteorology so it's not worthless, like the golf and Italian classes some law students take. Anyways, his sentiments of the tornado were much like my own: It's an amazing and beautiful event when the nado descends from the rotating wall cloud and reminds us all of the power of nature. Still, there appears to be nothing we can do to stop it. Unlike sharks, grizzlies, and Oprah, the nado cannot be kicked in the nuts. It's like a dong without the achilles heel of testicals...and that can be very dangerous; like Lance Armstrong.*

I'll readily admit that I've devoted much more time than reasonable to thinking about ways to stop the nado in its tracks. My most productive idea was blowing it up. Afterall, AMERICA has followed this theory for decades without a single instance of failure (see e.g. Afghanistan, Iraq, beached whales). My theory had something to do with changing the heat and pressure index inside the nado and having it evaporate into a rainbow. A badass rainbow. But I tossed that theory after seeing videos of tornados blow up gas stations and keep on trucking. So it's back to the drawing board.

In all seriousness, I only think nados are cool when they're not killing people and destroying shit. I've twice seen the devastation of the nado and it's truly astounding. Nados are like tigers: it's awesome when they roar and slash at wild animals, but it's only awesome when they stay in the woods. It's a different story when they posse up and take to the streets.

*DISCLAIMER: Yes, that was indeed a cheap shot I took at Lance Armstrong and I spent a considerable amount of time debating whether it was fit to print. But in a sordid, twisted way, I continued to find it funny after a five minute waiting period and decided to leave it. The fact is, Lance Armstrong is more accomplished in the average hour, than I have been in my entire life. I in no way mean to belittle his or anyone else's battle with cancer, life struggles, or wild boars. Jesus, if you're reading, please don't send me to hell.