The Ultimate Sentence

So Gollum shot down my idea for a sentencing paper. Primarily because I chose the idea as a means to do an extremely half-assed job and do no research. Instead, I've chosen a new topic which I'm certain will be a pain in the ass with extreme prejudice.

However, I'm supremely tempted to discuss a difficult sentencing. I would like to advocate for Carmen Sandiego: world thief, leader of the organized crime syndicate V.I.L.E. and employer of thugs such as Kneemoi, Vic the Slick, Patty Larceny, and Eartha Brute. She has been convicted of stealing the Eiffle Tower, Mt. Rushmore, and Santa's Reindeer.




Your honor, the defendant, by counsel Johnny Utah moves the court for a sentence of modified probation

Gallion and McCleary mandate that a Circuit Court consider three primary objectives when sentencing an offender. (1) Punishment, (2) Public Safety, and (3) Specific and general deterrence. Of Course, Gallion specifies that probation is always the most appropriate alternative, if it can be executed safely.

Ms. Sandiego is clearly a sophisticated criminal, the leader of V.I.L.E. and accustomed to manipulating anyone in her path to obtain world capitals and natural landmarks. However, the shock value of her crimes should not translate to an emotional imprisonment. Principally, the Court needs to consider the public safety that would result from imprisoning Ms. Sandiego. Of course, while incarcerated, Ms. Sandiego could not commit any new thefts. However, far less intrusive means of incapacitation are available in this case that would serve valuable rehabilitative and deterrent purposes.

That is why the Court suggests that Ms. Sandiego be sentenced to ten years of probation, with specific conditions. As noted in the Pre-Sentence Investigation Report, Ms. Sandiego suffers from a long-term addiction to methamphetamine for which she has not sought significant treatment. The state pschologist noted that Ms. Sandiego's drug abuse began shortly after leaving her home at the age of twelve after her father told her she would never see the pyramids of Egypt. Then he beat her up.

A six-month inpatient treatment program will effectively incapacitate Ms. Sandiego and treat the source problems of her world monument-concentrated cleptomania. Upon release, Ms. Sandiego will surrender her passport and begin a strict schedule of community service. Although discretion should be left to the Office of Probation Services, this Honorable Court might recommend that Ms. Sandiego speak weekly to school children about the dangers of using science to steal the Colliseum.

Although the state argues that this is a perfect case for specific deterrence, we respectfully disagree. Ms. Sandiego was once the leader of V.I.L.E., but His Honor can quickly take judicial notice of the potential monument thieves congregating in poor sections of the world, eager to take her place in the criminal market. Unlike the state's absurd allegations, imprisoning Ms. Sandiago will do nothing to prevent the future theft of Pittsburg.

Finally, Ms. Sandiego agrees to pay restitution to the nations she stole monuments from. The plea agreement stipulates read in offenses for Buckingham Palace and the Grand Canyon. However, we never Arkansas her steal the rainforest or the jungle. Since his honor is a learned scholar of the law, Ms. Sandiego is confident he will see the wisdom in adopting her sentencing plan.

As Ms. Sandiego is attractive for a fictional cartoon villian, I hereby withdraw from representation, in order to prevent a conflict of interest.

Respectfully submitted,

Johnny Utah, esquire
Attorney, Counselor, and Badass at Law